Twilight Zone Episode Guide

I’m so sick of WordPress’s user interface and entire publishing back end. I suspect I will stop posting things here soon. So, contrary to what I put in the main essay, I’ll do a different type of formatting here, with a highlighted episode listing rather than numeric annotated ranking. A+ and A episodes are bold, A- and B+ ones are italic, B and B- ones are normal, and C+ and below entries have a strikethrough.

Season One:

Where Is Everybody?, One For the Angels, Mr. Denton On Doomsday, The Sixteen-Millimeter Shrine, Walking Distance, Escape Clause, The Lonely, Time Enough At Last, Perchance To Dream, Judgment Night, And When the Sky Was Opened, What You Need, The Four Of Us Are Dying, Third From the Sun, I Shot An Arrow Into the Air, The Hitch-Hiker, The Fever, The Last Flight, The Purple Testament, Elegy, Mirror Image, The Monsters Are Due On Maple Street, A World Of Difference, Long Live Walter Jameson, People Are Alike All Over, Execution, The Big Tall Wish, A Nice Place To Visit, Nightmare As A Child, A Stop At Willoughby, The Chaser, A Passage For Trumpet, Mr. Bevis, The After Hours, The Mighty Casey, A World Of His Own

Season Two:

King Nine Will Not Return, The Man In the Bottle, Nervous Man In A Four Dollar Room, A Thing About Machines, The Howling Man, Eye Of the Beholder, Nick Of Time, The Lateness Of the Hour, The Trouble With Templeton, A Most Unusual Camera, The Night Of the Meek, Dust, Back There, The Whole Truth, The Invaders, A Penny For Your Thoughts, Twenty Two, The Odyssey Of Flight 33, Mr. Dingle the Strong, Static, The Prime Mover, Long Distance Call, A Hundred Yards Over the Rim, The Rip Van Winkle Caper, The Silence, Shadow Play, The Mind And the Matter, Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up?, The Obsolete Man

Season Three:

Two, The Arrival, The Shelter, The Passersby, A Game Of Pool, The Mirror, The Grave, It’s A Good Life, Deaths-Head Revisited, The Midnight Sun, Still Valley, The Jungle, Once Upon A Time, Five Characters In Search Of An Exit, A Quality Of Mercy, Nothing In the Dark, One More Pallbearer, Dead Man’s Shoes, The Hunt, Showdown With Rance McGrew, Kick the Can, A Piano In the House, The Last Rites Of Jeff Myrtlebank, To Serve Man, The Fugitive, Little Girl Lost, Person Or Persons Unknown, The Little People, Four O’Clock, Hocus-Pocus And Frisby, The Trade-Ins, The Gift, The Dummy, Young Man’s Fancy, I Sing the Body Electric, Cavender Is Coming, The Changing Of the Guard

Season Four:

In His Image, The Thirty Fathom Grave, Valley Of the Shadow, He’s Alive, Mute, Death Ship, Jess-Belle, Miniature, Printer’s Devil, No Time Like the Past, The Parallel, I Dream Of Genie, The New Exhibit, Of Late I Think Of Cliffordville, The Incredible World Of Horace Ford, On Thursday We Leave For Home, Passage On the Lady Anne, The Bard

Season Five:

In Praise Of Pip, Steel, Nightmare At 20,000 Feet, A Kind Of A Stopwatch, The Last Night Of A Jockey, Living Doll, The Old Man In the Cave, Uncle Simon, Probe 7 Over And Out, The 7th Is Made Up Of Phantoms, A Short Drink From A Certain Fountain, Ninety Years Without Slumbering, Ring-A-Ding Girl, You Drive, The Long Morrow, The Self-Improvement Of Salvatore Ross, Number 12 Looks Just Like You, Black Leather Jackets, Night Call, From Agnes – With Love, Spur Of the Moment, An Occurrence At Owl Creek Bridge, Queen Of the Nile, What’s In the Box, The Masks, I Am the Night – Color Me Black, Sounds And Silences, Caesar And Me, The Jeopardy Room, Stopover In A Quiet Town, The Encounter, Mr. Garrity And the Graves, The Brain Center At Whipple’s, Come Wander With Me, The Fear, The Bewitchin’ Pool

80s Reboot:

Shatterday, Nightcrawlers, Paladin Of the Lost Hour, The Burning Man, The Shadow Man, One Life Furnished In Early Poverty, The Star, The Elevator, Quarantine, Gramma, Button Button, The Last Defender Of Camelot, The Once And Future King, A Saucer Of Loneliness, What Are Friends For, Our Selena Is Dying, Crazy As A Soup Sandwich

2000s Reboot: Chosen, It’s Still A Good Life, Memphis

2019 Reboot: The Comedian, Replay, A Traveler, Downtime, 8, A Human Face

The Outer Limits [and 90s reboot]: The Galaxy Being, Nightmare, It Crawled Out Of the Woodwork, The Zanti Misfits, The Bellero Shield, Soldier, Demon With A Glass Hand, The Revelations Of ‘Becka Paulson

Other: The Time Element, Requiem For A Heavyweight

OK, so here’s my actual raw ranking, I won’t bother to format it the way I had hoped, but if you’re curious:

The Monsters Are Due On Maple Street

It’s A Good Life

Five Characters In Search Of An Exit

To Serve Man

The Invaders

A World Of His Own

The Dummy

Eye Of the Beholder

Time Enough At Last

Shadow Play

Little Girl Lost

The Midnight Sun

The Lonely

Long Live Walter Jameson 

The After Hours

Execution

Two

The Encounter

Living Doll

Long Distance Call

The Passersby

Walking Distance

The Old Man In the Cave

The Four Of Us Are Dying

A Piano In the House

Replay ^

Death Ship

Miniature

Young Man’s Fancy

The Hitch-Hiker

The Last Flight

The Rip Van Winkle Caper

The Howling Man

The Fugitive

Nervous Man In A Four Dollar Room

Perchance To Dream

Nothing In the Dark

Escape Clause

Elegy

In Praise Of Pip

Downtime ^

Shatterday *

A World Of Difference

People Are Alike All Over

Where Is Everybody?

And When the Sky Was Opened

Third From the Sun

A Penny For Your Thoughts

Nightmare At 20,000 Feet

Valley Of the Shadow

Nick Of Time

Person Or Persons Unknown

Dead Man’s Shoes

Quarantine *

What Are Friends For? *

Paladin Of the Lost Hour *

The Masks

The Trade-Ins

Ninety Years Without Slumbering

The Jeopardy Room

The Little People

I Am the Night – Color Me Black

The Silence

Spur Of the Moment

Gramma *

The Obsolete Man

The Prime Mover

Kick the Can

He’s Alive

A Human Face ^ 

Mirror Image

A Stop At Willoughby

Number 12 Looks Just Like You

On Thursday We Leave For Home

It’s Still A Good Life #

The Long Morrow

An Occurrence At Owl Creek Bridge [An independent short film, optioned for TZ]

The Self-Improvement Of Salvadore Ross

Come Wander With Me

Passage On the Lady Anne

Printer’s Devil

I Sing the Body Electric

Mr. Bevis

I Shot An Arrow Into the Air

A Game Of Pool

The Hunt

King Nine Will Not Return

Deaths-Head Revisited

Button, Button *

Once Upon A Time

Night Call

Mr. Denton On Doomsday

A Nice Place To Visit

The Grave

Stopover In A Quiet Town

A Kind Of A Stopwatch

The Jungle

A Passage For Trumpet

A Quality Of Mercy

Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up?

A Hundred Yards Over the Rim

The Shelter

The Last Defender Of Camelot *

Nightcrawlers *

Requiem For A Heavyweight [TV movie; available on Youtube]

Crazy As A Soup Sandwich *

The Purple Testament

The Time Element [Hourlong pilot episode; available on Youtube]

The Brain Center At Whipple’s

The Sixteen-Millimeter Shrine

The New Exhibit

The Last Night Of A Jockey

The Mirror

Mr. Garrity And the Graves

Nightmare As A Child

What’s In the Box

The Night Of the Meek

The Changing Of the Guard

A Traveler ^

The Star *

The Parallel

Twenty Two

Hocus-Pocus And Frisby

Still Valley

One Life Furnished In Early Poverty *

The Burning Man *

The Elevator *

The Odyssey Of Flight 33

The Trouble With Templeton

The Comedian ^

The Man In the Bottle

Chosen #

Our Selena Is Dying *

Memphis #

The Bewitchin’ Pool

8 ^

Mute

I Dream Of Genie

Steel

In His Image

The Big Tall Wish

The Once And Future King *

A Saucer Of Loneliness *

A Short Drink From A Certain Fountain

Back There

The Last Rites Of Jeff Myrtlebank

Queen Of the Nile

Static

From Agnes – With Love

The Incredible World Of Horace Ford

The Bard

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NIGHTMARE AT 20,000 CHARACTERS: A Guide Through The Twilight Zone

You unlock this post with a subscription to my WordPress, and I guess the key of imagination too, sure, why not. Beyond it is a dimension of historical context, a dimension of words on a page, uh, a dimension of images (just one), and… that’s about it for dimensions. You’re moving into a land of both hot takes and ranking lists. You’ve just crossed over into… Winslowisms.

The Twilight Zone is an all-time great TV show, and I would encourage anyone who’s curious to check it out with haste. For those not familiar, allow me a bit of preamble. Its genesis was the infancy stage of television, where the bulk of programming was live variety acts and stage plays adapted for broadcast. The notable genre lanes at this time were crime mysteries, everyday drama/romance, westerns and other period pieces, or contemporary slapstick comedy. It was exclusively seen as a moneymaking business in those days, with even new scripted fare shaped into homogenous mass-production slop, as almost an afterthought to the advertising content. (How far we’ve come! Hahaha..ha…..haa.) 

Due to the ever-increasing popularity and availability of television sets by the late 50s, a marketing niche became evident for something different and more boutique. Now, mind you, there were smash-hit highlights such as I Love Lucy and The Honeymooners advancing the artform in other ways during this period, but those hewed to already established story formulas with mainstream appeal. This environment was where showrunner Rod Serling’s imagination would break through to the public, combining the unpredictable premises of variety programming, the stuffy yet refined melodrama of televised theater, and his love of then-disreputable and unheralded literary genres. 

Thus, the anthology series was born, as each week offered a completely different and discrete original pre-filmed story. Okay, that’s a bit of an oversimplification– even at the time, shows like Alfred Hitchcock Presents were sharing some of the credit for this narrative novelty. But Serling played a huge role in introducing science fiction, magical realism, and horror to the medium of television. And while the anthology show has of late gotten a second wind with direct descendants like Black Mirror, TZ was equally important as a tentative stepping stone toward the modern standard of fully serialized storytelling.

Rod Serling is one of the most significant American writers of all time for these and other reasons. He started in the field working on the aforementioned broadcast plays and revues, getting a foot in the door to write some heralded scripts of his own, then using his accolades to sell a pitch concept, which would get picked up for airtime and become his crowning achievement. (Coincidentally, that pilot was made in conjunction with Lucy and Desi Arnaz’s post-I Love Lucy production house.) Utilizing his industry clout and the blank slate of a weekly format, Serling fought tooth and nail for full control of the show and its creative integrity (unheard of at the time), as well as gathering a crack team of other writers who were willing to experiment. This enterprise attracted all kinds of notorious acting talent, to the point where even today’s viewers will recognize plenty of famous folks giving solid performances. 

Not to downplay Rod’s own involvement! The man himself wrote over *half* of the show’s 157 episodes – a staggering amount of effort, applied though it was to an endeavor he later estimated to be 1/3 great, 1/3 okay, and 1/3 terrible. (I basically agree with the episodic ratios of that attributed quote, and appreciate his self-effacing honesty. TV is a tough business that precludes perfection, and this program still gets by on the strength of its best entries!) 

After the ending of this cultural touchstone, Serling continued writing for television to diminishing returns, although the relevance and reverence he’d earned got him a lifetime pass regardless. In 1970 he managed to greenlight an ersatz Zone clone called Night Gallery, which he had relatively less power over and involvement with (despite writing a good third of its episodes in some capacity). That series is remembered somewhat fondly, albeit not as much as the first breakthrough. One of his feature-length scripts became the alternate history sci-fi classic Planet of the Apes, but he was unable to capitalize on the success of either venture, as he died tragically young in 1975. 

And yet, over a century after his birth, Rod’s legacy lives on. Beyond the inestimable influence of its narrative twists and formal experimentation, the Twilight Zone brand became a cottage industry in Hollywood after the original run, as successors tried their hand at reboots every couple decades. Besides some interesting concepts and detours, however, none were as beloved or successful as the original. Then there was the ultra-cursed, controversial 1983 movie adaptation, wherein then-admired director John Landis’ negligence on set caused the horrible and heavily publicized deaths of three actors. That calamity outlasted any impact the film may have had, featuring though it did segments filmed by Steven Spielberg, George Miller, and Joe Dante. 

All that aside, in this space, I want to focus on the flagship series as a complete project. It was a decently popular show while airing, but never quite became the sizable hit the studio was expecting, though it was a big awards player. After three seasons, it was unofficially canceled by the network, then brought back suddenly to fill a scheduling hole in the broadcast year (more on that later). After some further changeups and pleading, it went back to its usual slot for a fifth and final batch of episodes, by the end of which it was clear its best work and biggest impact was behind it. An exhausted Serling realized as much and accepted the ending of his pet project.

Culturally, the Twilight Zone’s airdates accompanied America during a transitional period from the relatively serene and stable summer of 1959 through to an increasingly revolutionary and unpredictable fall of 1964, just in time for a huge leap in cinema with the French New Wave and the youthful musical rebellion of the Beatles. Television was forever changed by TZ, plus the harder sci-fi anthological sister show The Outer Limits following in its wake, and the surreal weekly mystery The Prisoner blazing its own trail in England a few years later.

A somewhat unsung angle of TZ’s ingenuity was in the technical presentation. Even though it was often angling for more attention and stretching its budget, the directorial acumen, special effects, and production design were terrific by the standards of the day. A longer look into the audiovisual crew reveals such respected names as Richard Donner, Bernard Herrmann, Jerry Goldsmith, Ida Lupino, and Buzz Kulik.

Ultimately, however, the head honcho is indelibly tied to the program, and for good reason. Serling’s writing style is famously florid and lyrical, but at his best it comes across as intelligent and poignant. Despite the downside of puffed-up purple proselytizing, he was cautious in deploying ostentatious monologues, saving them for dramatic effect or expository expedience. From the start of his career, he had a fascination with human psychology and allegorical situations, which had served him well in previous productions.

Though the Twilight Zone was his baby through and through (to the extent that he prominently introduces each story in person with opening narration), it’s worth examining the whole writing team, since they were also candidates for a television Hall of Fame. Richard Matheson, Charles Beaumont, and George Clayton Johnson had all come from the world of literature, each one a notable figure in the sci-fi and speculative fiction genres. These three were part of a cohort of authors-turned-TV scribes that gave the nascent medium some legitimacy around this period. All would contribute to other related anthological programs as freelancers after TZ, including Alfred Hitchcock Presents, the Outer Limits, Star Trek (the original series), and even later Zone reboots. Additionally, in the cinema world, Johnson wrote Logan’s Run and the old-school Ocean’s Eleven, while Matheson penned I Am Legend, Duel, and What Dreams May Come. 

The three of them are clearly talented, maintaining imaginative and consistent work, with stories sometimes even adapted from their own literary catalogues. Although their respective voices don’t stick out in this context as much as Rod’s, most likely they tried to match their own tones and tempos to the show’s house style, and did so quite well. Rounding out the crew in later seasons when the writers’ room was exhausted and low on inspiration was future Waltons showrunner Earl Hamner Jr., whose efforts tended toward the schmaltzy and whimsical, yet this was an important jumping-off point for his larger career. 

In conjunction with Serling’s mind-boggling sum of credits, these five men were responsible in some fashion for all but fifteen scripts of the Twilight Zone. And while the remains are a motley bunch tossed together through freelancing or last-minute rights deals, a few of those shine through as classics, nevertheless. One is even authored by Ray Bradbury, another legendary novelist who dabbled in television. (A different off-format entry is an award-winning short film they straight-up bought the right to broadcast when running low on workable material.)

Though this program has large disparities in story and quality, there are still some recurring themes, ideas, and tropes herein. The Twilight Zone’s central predilections include: 

-the dangers of social prejudice and ego, with a bone-deep sense of moral responsibility (count the number of times a flawed or unlikable protagonist is ironically punished by the whims of the universe);

-a fierce anti-authoritarian and humanistic pacifist streak after the horrors of World War II (about which conflict there are many eps, perhaps inspired by Rod’s extensive military experience); 

-more psychological depth to characters and premises than had previously been explored on television, with an unusual amount of sympathy and perspective lent even to villains and secondary characters;

-a baseline of intersectional progressivism so radical for its era, the politics and messaging still hold up a good chunk of the time; 

-a creative and topical evolution beyond the 50s TV mainstays of mysteries and Westerns (though it has its share of those too), as some entries arguably became the popular introduction of now-common fantasy premises; 

-a romanticized fascination with the then-burgeoning space race and what lies beyond Earth; 

-a frequent nostalgia for the comforts and predictability of old-timey small-town America, even as Serling railed against cloistered thinking and homogeneity; 

-and at times, a sense of slapstick humor alternating with maudlin sentimentality (unfortunately, these entries generally fare poorly, and don’t suit the series’ strengths of paranoid, poetic forewarning).

Speaking of caveats, let’s face it: this is an antiquated show in some respects. There are musty old idioms (take a drink each time someone says “How’s that?” or “What’s the gag?”), some rigid gender roles, the effects and designs haven’t always aged well, and the biggest aesthetic hurdle in 2024 would be that it’s in black and white. I can say from experience that one gets used to the latter, and the amount of visual flair and great performances make up for the sluggish drabness that modern audiences may associate with that restriction. 

Viewers may also warm up to some other unavoidable era-specific quirks, perhaps even finding them charming and transportive the way I did. In this case, the surprise of new and uncharted territory every time can ameliorate a different dramatic presentation than we are used to. By the same token, though its quality is uneven, the crapshoot of it all means it’s easy to get excited for what may come next. Whatever aesthetic lapses there were, be they dodgy plotting or stagey tics, I found my imagination filling in the gaps to a certain extent. In much the same way how they say the scariest things are what you conjure in your own imagination, without meaning to sound damning, some of the series’ limitations can paradoxically enhance the power of the stories.

That said, for a 65-year-old artifact, plenty of TZ still holds up to scrutiny. The standout entries do have a sense of daring, stylishness and narrative momentum that roughly corresponds to today’s programming. Over the course of the series, audiences felt its influence to such a degree that the creative team sometimes expanded on premises in more effortless and ambitious ways. Less bold episodes may hand-hold with exposition, stall the plot out of formulaic stodginess, or hamstring protagonists with bullheaded resistance of the story, but there are many which thankfully avoid those tropes. 

As previously mentioned, Serling’s wordsmithing is memorable and unique, and there are lots of famous mid-century actors to be found here, in a similar vein to the X-Files (a semi-anthological show that was influenced by this series). The score is moody at times, and stirring at others without being overbearing, and the direction is minimalist yet effective, an inherited trait from its stagey origins. (Not to mention the beyond-iconic theme song and title sequence!) Now and then, they had the resources for impressive sets or lavish location shooting, and those instances come off quite nicely. The Twilight Zone is good enough that it doesn’t need any handicaps for enjoyment, but it is remarkable that for all the material that holds up, in many cases the creative team was only just figuring out how all this worked, standardizing the industry practices and technical setups we take for granted now.

The true elephant in the room is the show’s most enduring legacy, as well as its curse: twist endings. Centering on these ironic reversals and surreal revelations became TZ’s calling card to a larger extent than almost any other creative work of the 20th century. As such, the reverberations and outright copying of these reveals has become part of our cultural DNA, meaning that an average viewer may very well guess or already know where some of the tales wind up. However, I would put it to you that that isn’t as big of a turn-off as you’d think.

A brief digression – over the years, I have taken the stance on spoilers that, while perhaps it’s not absolutely ideal to know them beforehand, it’s also not disastrous or anything. It’s impossible to completely avoid all spoilers these days, and finding a cool synopsis could potentially incite interest in watching or reading something one might have otherwise skipped over. Most importantly, knowing some things about a work beforehand doesn’t necessarily ruin the experience. Why is that? Without full context and emotional investment, merely having the facts or circumstances of a plot surprise doesn’t have the same power as seeing it in real time. 

In my experience, reading ahead on far too many shows only to watch through them later, more often than not things unfolded far differently than I had anticipated in my mind’s eye. Cultural osmosis isn’t a perfect reflection: there were plenty of times I had misunderstood what I heard through the grapevine or made my own false assumptions about how events came to pass, and my wrongness made the twists surprising again regarding what really occurred. In some cases where I had foreknowledge, I had forgotten or failed to put together things I had surely once been aware of, which made those developments seem like new. So the degree and specifics of spoilage may not change the experience all that much. Story is so multivalent that the “what” of something doesn’t take into account the who, the when, the how, etc., and that’s true of any such formulation of those variables. Only when the picture is complete and in sequence could the twist be said to take full effect. 

In fact, to the contrary, knowing the thematic thrusts or other things external to the narrative of a work has at times turned me off or made me feel “spoiled” just as much as knowing the mere sequence of events, so the plot isn’t the only thing at play here. All the above could apply to premises, character motivation, or any action beats. After all, a twist is ultimately one small data point in a tangled web of story progression; there’s plenty more to explore, much of it equally exciting. There could even be other reveals! Really, all I want to convey with this tangent is that one shouldn’t write something off or be disappointed just because they learned something about it ahead of time. Especially in the case of the Twilight Zone, because it’s holistically great, even as many of its vaunted last-minute reversals are famous. Which, to my point, only proves their timeless strength, as lots of them are impactful even if you already know them. That’s good storytelling!

Alright then: after all that table setting, let’s get down to specifics, shall we? Here are my subjective findings about the series. Season 1 gets the advantage as the best outing for its sheer novelty, primacy, and influence. The show finds its voice remarkably quickly, making several all-timers the first go around. It slows down a bit toward the end, which is no great sin considering the enormous 36-episode seasons the creative team made. Only a few clunkers mar this otherwise astonishing first act.

Season 2 struggles to distinguish itself and experiment as compared to the debut’s burst of energy, with evident budgetary and creative restrictions and a smaller number of entries, but sometimes turns those drawbacks into gold. It’s very inconsistent, ranging from classics to disasters, yet is still worth checking out. Even considering the series’ penchant for bottle episodes with lots of internal action and minimal casts, there are a notable number of pared-down installments this year.

Despite facing down a semi-settled formula and seeming dearth of fresh ideas, season 3 is a strong rebound, and while it swings between great and merely okay episodes, it establishes a good creative baseline with hardly any awful entries. It manages to broaden the kinds of stories the show can tell, without breaking its tone.

Season 4 is like an even more dire iteration of the second year; brought back from early cancellation with a staff shakeup, and adding the daunting task of filling out hour-long rather than 30 minute time slots, the Twilight Zone hugely suffers as a result. It’s not totally devoid of cool concepts or even a couple good episodes, but it’s a slog due to severe bloating (within a program whose weaker efforts thus far seemed stretched thin even in the other format). It gets minor points for the deviation from the norm. There are some real stinkers in here, though in every successive year, the visual presentation did seem to improve. As consolation, this batch does have the quintessential introductory segment, which was slightly different for each of the first four years.

Season 5 is well-calibrated enough to notch plenty of competent scripts, while being too predictable and derivative to score many true classics. Going back to normal installment length does wonders for this collection of pleasantly average episodes, giving the series a watchable, yet degraded, soft landing. Most entries don’t have the same tone as the first three years, nor do they kick into an equivalent level of plotting rigor or feverish pacing. The writers leaned more heavily on the fantastical and sentimental rather than poetic sci-fi/horror, which may just be different and not necessarily worse. However, doing those types of stories well wasn’t as innovative or exciting by this point. This final batch is mostly inessential but has its charms, and I’m glad the show ended here.

If pressed, I’d rank the debut year as the best one, closely followed by the expansive season 3. Season 2 would come after those, and then I’d put the passable season 5 next, with the mediocre season 4 bringing up the rear. By my count, there are about 65 episodes of the series worth watching, followed by the typical downward bell curve of “interesting but very flawed”, then “acceptable, for fans only”, then “failures without much redeeming quality”, and so on. I watched 125 episodes in total, but considering the unequal formatting I’ll give myself credit for the fourth season being a bunch of two-parters. That way, I’ve seen 140, and don’t expect I missed any truly worthy ones in all my research. I made sure to view every Matheson, Beaumont, and G.C.J. installment, and ended up catching a great number of Serling ones too, naturally. To get a useful cross-section, I also saw the large majority of each season, and skipped less than one season’s worth total.

Not only that, but after the main series, I sampled the three reboots to date, for completion’s sake, beginning with the mid-80s revival. By definition, it’s more visually colorful than the original, with some garish production design and cinematography. Ironically, these more contemporary touches are so slapdash and low-rent that they somehow come across as more dated than the staid flagship series, possibly due to less quality control and acting talent. Despite featuring a few notable scribes and a couple famous directors, none of this is among their best work. With its more inherent B-movie/fairy tale vibe, it handles silly stories more capably than the original, which is good because some of these are very goofy. The structural format allowed for some interstitial-length linking segments, which is more interesting in theory than execution, resulting in half-ideas with no substance.

The worst sin is that this revivification loses every bit of the original’s messaging, poetry, & thematic concerns in favor of plain old spooks and mysticism. It doesn’t have as strong a handle on trying out various other genres, either. Not to mention that these barely if ever have twist endings. All-around, the 1980s TZ is a significant step down, a half-assed recreation that eschews or forgets what made the original special, having only a tentative watchability owed somewhat to its cheesy retro aesthetic.

2000s TZ, from the small amount I explored, suffers in similar ways. Its technical aspects are more accomplished in theory, but the whole affair is such a sloppy, campy basic cable afterthought that it’s no wonder the second revival only lasted a year, despite limp attempts to recapture the offbeat moralizing of the original.

Finally, I tried Jordan Peele’s most recent and already-forgotten crack at the “franchise” from 2019, and yet again found it lacking in its own way. It is certainly more watchable and visually polished than the other two, with a renewed interest for incisive sociopolitical commentary, but unfortunately still whiffs too often with the scripting and execution.  

I’ll include all those reboot episodes in my ranking, as well as the biggest calling card Serling had in his pre-TZ scripting days: Requiem For A Heavyweight, one of the first TV movies as we now know them. The selections from the 80s version are marked with an asterisk, the modern incarnation with ^, and the 2000s iteration with #. 

The final twist here is that, in my opinion, the legendary eponymous episode of this post (while good!) isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. But pretty much every other famous one is certainly worth the hype, not to mention some less-heralded standouts. As usual, I would recommend anything at a B+ or above for an ideal full watch-through, and just the A+/As if you merely want a sample. Likewise, the B grade installments are enjoyable to a mild extent, though no great shakes, and below that, I wouldn’t bother. That said, I myself am fond of throwing in a prototypically ”bad” episode while investigating an anthological show (Static would be a suitable mediocre pick, for one) to see how green the grass is on this side, so to speak. I truly valued getting to explore this series, and if I were you, I would attempt to check it out before it inevitably falls off of streaming and gets memory-holed. Such a sad, futuristic turn of fate would suit Rod Serling’s storytelling, but let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. 

In just a moment, you’ll encounter my full episode ranking, free of tortured metaphors, adverbial abuse, or predictable lists of three things, neatly ordered and located on a forgotten server bank, somewhere deep within… the Twilight Zone. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist.)

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A Zombie Simpsons Episode Guide, Part III

STRAY SEGMENTS AND SCENES

Final tidbits of goodness, if you’re really interested in minutiae

First, let’s talk Treehouse of Horror! After number fourteen, they consistently sink to the level of skippable and weak, if never outright awful. However, if you don’t mind skimming through, here are the five best segments from after that point (excluding the fully watchable anomaly Treehouse 25): 

Simpsonsworld [Treehouse 33] A

The Ned Zone [Treehouse 15] A-

Coralisa [Treehouse 28] B+

The Greatest Story Ever Holed [Treehouse 23] B+

Wanted: Dead, Then Alive [Treehouse 26] B+

Maude Flanders’ death, Alone Again, Natura-diddily – Perhaps the most awful and crucial single misstep in the series’ history, made all the more pointless by how they would bring her back in flashback stories once Maggie Roswell’s contract got reworked. I guess it counts for something that they at least stuck to their guns and never retconned this bad decision, which would have also been infuriating.

“Do the Bartman” music video, The Simpsons Sing the Blues (1990) – A unique, bizarre cultural time capsule of the show’s initial impact and hype. There was an early promotional tie-in album of the characters singing R&B covers, with a couple original numbers centered around the breakout star, Bart. The music videos got legitimate popular rotation, and the hooks were supplied by modern-day elephant in the room, Michael Jackson (you know, the guest voice from season three’s premiere who ensured that episode would be deleted from streaming). This dance craze-themed song is hokey, but noteworthy.

The Longest Daycare – One of the Disney Plus shorts, and as I understand, the only good one. A cute little dialogue-free Maggie adventure, reminiscent of the B plot in A Streetcar Named Marge.

“Paint Your Wagon” – The opening vignette of the season nine clip show All Singing, All Dancing, and the only thing you need to see from that ep.

The first few minutes of The Frying Game – The Simpsons at its basest, yet still funny. Then the rest of the episode gets insultingly bad. That’s emblematic of a C-range installment: poor, but with a couple undeniable gags. 

The hallucinations in season ten’s Make Room For Lisa – Something new and daring in an episode that’s otherwise abysmal. Plenty of entries have similar seeds of potential in lackluster surroundings, and this is one such example.

Stephen Hawking in They Saved Lisa’s Brain – Maybe the last really iconic celebrity guest the series had.

The MoneyBart (Season 22, episode three) couch gag – I realized I haven’t yet touched on the show’s famous title sequence or its wonderful traditions of chalkboard and couch gags. This anticapitalist Banksy guest spot is the one standout that hasn’t been covered in the episode guide. Yes, at some point they even let outside parties contribute to the opening credits section, many of which were actually fun. No intro skipping allowed!

Spider-pig, from The Simpsons Movie – Don’t get me wrong, the movie has its share of funny bits, but overall isn’t too impressive in the narrative department. I’m sticking with the most well-known joke here.

Hans Moleman in Brother From Another Series – Some of the creators are active on social media, answering questions and showing off memorabilia. One of them unearthed a fully animated but cut gag from a season eight episode, and damn if it isn’t one of the series’ better jokes. It makes you wonder, what genius comedy is left laying on the editing room floor of Simpsons HQ?

And lastly, if you really want to get into the weeds, there’s a legendary DVD commentary segment (available on Youtube) where the writers call on the reclusive John Swartzwelder to reveal himself… or not? 

OTHER LISTS

The five weakest episodes of seasons 3-8:

Homer’s Barbershop Quartet [My controversial pick for weakest untouchable-era episode, for many of the same reasons I ascribed to the show’s decline. I think it’s crazy that people don’t notice that value inconsistency! I gave it a B-; it’s telling that if you averaged out everything I watched post-season ten, it would be about the same grade as this, the early nadir of the golden era.]

The Canine Mutiny [Another dog-centric episode. It’s fine.]

The Homer They Fall [This is the Simpsons’ first big creative whiff, though it’s still watchable.]

The Twisted World of Marge Simpson [Not very funny, and the ending is almost as big of a “screw you” as Das Bus.]

The Day the Violence Died [Sort of repeats an earlier episode premise, and that counts against it.]

15 worst episodes of the Simpsons in general (a countdown):

Beyond Blunderdome

Large Marge

Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo

The Great Money Caper

Moho House

Future-Drama

Days of Future Future

The Great Phatsby I/II

Helter Shelter

Brawl In the Family

My Life As A Vlog

All Singing, All Dancing

Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife

Gump Roast

Four Great Women And A Manicure

IN SUMMARY: 

S1 – Skippable time capsule

S2 – Wonderful storytelling, jokes and pacing still a little tentative

S3-S8 – Unquestionable classics

S9 – Minor classic, with caveats

S10 – Very mixed bag, but solid enough to count as the last good year

S11 – Starts acceptable, ends dreadful: The Simpsons becomes bad

S12-14 – Generally poor, with some glimpses of quality

S15+ – Zombie Simpsons (Still okay every once in a while)

DEFINITIVE SEASON RANKING: 

4/6/5 (The core classic years) > 7/3/8 (Incoming and outgoing classic years) > 2/9/10 (Arguable “bubble” classic years) > 12/11/1 (Weak years that have some deniability) > 13/14/15 (Bad years with no excuse) > 16 and everything after (Zombie Simpsons)

If it’s easier… which episodes to definitely skip, in order:

S1: Bart the Genius/There’s No Disgrace Like Home/Bart the General/Moaning Lisa/The Call Of the Simpsons/The Telltale Head/Life On the Fast Lane/Homer’s Night Out/The Crepes Of Wrath/Some Enchanted Evening

S2: Simpson And Delilah/Dancin’ Homer

S9: All Singing, All Dancing/Simpson Tide/Girly Edition

S10: Homer Simpson In: Kidney Trouble/Make Room For Lisa/Maximum Homerdrive/They Saved Lisa’s Brain/Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo

S11: Beyond Blunderdome/Eight Misbehavin’/Little Big Mom (and after that, check the main list for what to watch)

THE END

There. I’m sure that this will settle internet debate once and for all on the most famous TV show in the world. No need to thank me. But seriously, it’s good to feel some amount of closure on the Simpsons, both the good and the bad, even as it continues to air new episodes indefinitely. Maybe in another twenty years I’ll add to this guide, if there’s anything else worth seeing by then. Thanks for reading, and don’t forget: Dental plan! Lisa needs braces!

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A Zombie Simpsons Episode Guide, Part II

SEASON ELEVEN AND BEYOND

And now we come to the wasteland. Well, almost; season eleven starts out adequate enough. To put an even finer point on my “first ten seasons are classic” take, I think if you magically swapped out the terrible Mel Gibson premiere to later on so you could ring in the new year with Behind the Laughter, the Simpsons very neatly and metaphorically died as a relevant phenomenon halfway through season eleven, the minute the 90s ended. Because after that point, the creators seem to be intentionally wrecking the series.

They shit the bed, undermining all the foundations of the show for a pathetic attempt at trendy novelty. Secondary characters are systematically deconstructed in a hateful and stupid way. The humor and cultural references falter and come off as dated. The main characters are exaggerated beyond recognition, or they’re just trivial quippy blank slates to perform plot functions. Speaking of which, whatever wisps of real story that exist here are arrived at belatedly and abandoned abruptly. The premises are banal and lowbrow, or plain old inferior retreads. Even the animation, performances, and background details start to lose their luster. It’s as if everyone involved had contempt for the world they built and the characters they made. While the show would later rectify some of these issues, it was too late. The second half of season eleven is arguably the nadir of the series, with infamous entries like the Florida vacation and horse racing episodes.

The awkward, intermediate teen years produced quality installments as an exception rather than the rule, though the writers were still capable of knocking it out of the park on rare occasions. A weird statistical error that bears mentioning: season twelve actually reversed the trend of season eleven, having a slightly larger share of good episodes. Nonetheless, the Simpsons was irreparably damaged – it was an overall weak year.

These were the last genuinely solid entries that retained the series’ original identity, including season fifteen’s Treehouse of Horror XIV, which was for a long time the final worthwhile installment in that tradition. One reason the Treehouse episodes got worse was they were less overtly spooky, and instead became straight up parodies of novel intellectual property with character-based fan casting. The specials are still somewhat popular as headline-grabbing, meme-able events once a year, but they’re well past their prime too.

If nothing else, seeing just a handful of missteps like this made me appreciate how great vintage Simpsons is, even with its more moderate successes. (Hence my soft spot for the far from perfect, but basically fine season ten.) Counting my specially curated favorites from the past two decades of content as a coherent entity, they would equal a mere two seasons worth (and change) of episodes just barely on par with the classic years.

And as we know, the show kept going despite it all, churning out mediocrity to this day. Modern seasons have the opposite problem of the teens, following today’s TV trends to turn the series into a nondescript, nicecore dramedy. It’s more realistic and story-focused, albeit an equal betrayal of the original ethos in its own way. To me, they’re both Zombie Simpsons. 

A

Guess Who’s Coming To Criticize Dinner [Best of season eleven. The Simpsons still had the capacity for greatness at such a late date, which makes its slide into crass nonsense frustrating.]

Trilogy of Error [Would have made a terrific, modest series finale – getting the whole town believably involved in a novel pop culture parody caper. This seems to be the last ep which the internet agrees is a top tier classic. Best of season twelve.]

Treehouse Of Horror 12 [Shockingly, one of the better Treehouse eps. Best of season thirteen.]

Tales From the Public Domain [The historical anthologies hit their peak only a few entries in.]

I’m Spelling As Fast As I Can [The kind of dependable, likable installment the series churned out every week in the golden era, here it’s an oasis in a swamp of mediocrity. Best of season fourteen.]

Halloween of Horror [Maybe the last original non-experimental episode idea they’ve had, by virtue of avoiding a grounded take on the holiday for decades. Plus, the Homer-Lisa emotional dynamic still works.]

Barthood [Compared to a certain ep discussed below, which aired a few years earlier, this is how you move the Simpsons forward in time: in believable, heartwarming increments. (Though it’s frustrating that they continue clinging to the trope of Maggie never talking.) My pick for the single best post-season fourteen installment.]

A-

Treehouse Of Horror 10

Grift of the Magi [Super madcap and a bit strange, but it works. This episode also closes out the 90s, ending the series’ winning streak.]

Hungry Hungry Homer

Poppa’s Got A Brand New Badge [Revisiting an earlier episode premise (Homer as vigilante), and it goes great. So in theory, they could keep making semi-copies of old, glossed-over ideas and write them this well, yet they don’t.]

Sleeping With the Enemy [Besides the cop-out ending to Nelson’s story, this is fantastic, whereas the Lisa plot non-ending is quite apt.]

Clown In the Dumps [If I overvalue latter-day Krusty episodes, it’s because he’s the best way to have a character-based plot while cleverly commenting on the ever-changing entertainment landscape.]

Simprovised [Gimmicks ahoy! Yet it’s fruitful for story and comedy, and the experiment is relegated to the very end. Check out the two actual live segments on Youtube, as they’re not on the Disney+ version!]

Lisa the Boy Scout [I’m giving this one the benefit of the doubt for such a desperately weird, cleverly cynical premise. It would have also made a good series finale. No spoilers, but don’t expect much Boy Scout satire… That would make for a lame story, wouldn’t it?] 

B+

Brother’s Little Helper

E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt) [Despite being famous and lots of fun, I’ll go hard on this one, since it gets pretty rude and lowbrow for the show’s standards.]

Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder [This ep gets hung up too much on dumb kitschy stuff along the way, but is a surprisingly good and original Homer/Maggie story, with a final scene so incredible that – hot take incoming – I prefer it to And Maggie Makes Three‘s iconic “DO IT FOR HER” ending.]

Treehouse Of Horror 11

A Tale of Two Springfields [For reference, much teen-era Simpsons is typically this exaggerated and callous, but not as unique or funny. The same applies to basically every entry here without a blurb.]

Lisa the Tree Hugger

Skinner’s Sense of Snow

HOMR

Day Of the Jackanapes [As goofy as the plot gets, it serves as a fitting story capper to the Bart/Krusty/Sideshow Bob trinity.]

Bye Bye Nerdie [This and Hungry Hungry Homer are actually, refreshingly very good for late season twelve! I erred on the side of giving this one a B+, because its B plot is strangely similar to the weaker next installment, from the same year. While watching, in edge cases like these, I tried to downgrade one if I was upgrading another.]

Children of a Lesser Clod

The Parent Rap

Sweets and Sour Marge [You’ll notice a lack of Marge on this list once the show started losing track of her character and/or ignoring her, but this is an alright story for her.]

The Bart Wants What It Wants [Like some later episodes, this is a greatest hits recapitulation of lots of old ideas and themes. Although when they’re rapidly smashed together and cohere as a pleasant story, it works and almost resembles something fresh.]

Little Girl In the Big Ten [The Simpsons began to noticeably mutate in the teen era, exploring plots that it wasn’t equipped to handle. And yet, sometimes they still did a good job despite the tonal confusion.]

Treehouse Of Horror 13

‘Scuse Me While I Miss the Sky

Moe Baby Blues [This season fourteen finale marks when I stopped watching full seasons. No great shakes, but it’s a perfectly decent, steadily paced, nicely unironic, reasonably fresh premise with a solid sentimental angle, something the show would neglect for quite a while until recent years. At this point the writers desperately paired random characters up to try and create novel dynamics; however, most of them weren’t this organic.]

Treehouse Of Horror 14

Margical History Tour

The Wettest Stories Ever Told

Moe’n’a Lisa

The Haw Hawed Couple

You Kent Always Say What You Want [For chronological reference, this was the season finale before the movie came out (you can definitely skip that, by the way). It’s also the 400th episode; I’m glad I could fit one of those numerical milestones in here.]

Eternal Moonshine of the Simpson Mind [I think it’s overrated, but credit for trying! A good enough experimental episode.]

The Debarted [Latter-day movie plot parodies can get pretty dire, yet this one has heart to it.]

The Ten Per Cent Solution 

Holidays of Future Passed [Sadly, not as consistent as I had hoped for the supposed best post-classic ep, but pretty close to an A-. The good stuff here is phenomenal.]

The Day the Earth Stood Cool [This hipster-spoofing episode references the Onion’s AV Club, a crucial early influence on my pop culture obsession. The publication was overjoyed to get name checked on the Simpsons. Luckily, this entry is a standout for its focused narrative and a worthwhile comedic target that, while dated, remains specific and memorable.]

Treehouse Of Horror 25 [The one consistently good and on-brand late period Halloween show.]

Simpsorama [Okay, I admit the Futurama crossover fanservice worked on me. But it’s basically an acceptable episode anyway.]

Gal Of Constant Sorrow [A surpassingly rare case of an intrusive celebrity guest not derailing an episode and instead making for a nice character-based story.]

Livin La Pura Vida [Surprising narrative ambition here, and it doesn’t lose focus. More points earned for navigating some potential cultural pitfalls.]

The Dad Feelings Limited [The core family’s story potential has been bled so dry that a superior option in the late 2010s/early 20s is supporting cast-focused eps, which still have a tiny bit of energy left. Their character development track record in that regard is spotty; however, this one turned out well. Comic Book Guy eventually got a love interest to bounce off of, and the titular family does a good job here playing second fiddle on their own show.]

Pixelated And Afraid [I can’t be mad at how successfully experimental this is, and yet, in its earnest phase, the Simpsons can seem pretentious and humorless in a way the balanced family stories never used to be. I hate to be so rigid as to discount a potentially great and distinct episode, but like some examples listed in later sections, this just doesn’t feel right. Nevertheless, I’ll give this one the benefit of the doubt.]

Top Goon [Yet again, a solid execution of a bunch of ideas they’ve done before in some form.]

ADVANCED VIEWING

25 suggested B level episodes, for context or further analysis

1. Simpsons Roasting On An Open Fire [Check out the lackluster, B- grade pilot if you want to see where it all began and witness the series’ only episode to air in the 1980s.]

2. Homer’s Odyssey [Homer attempting suicide for being a failure in the show’s third episode is hardcore pathos; I almost want to bump this up for boldness, though it is rather dry.]

3. Bart the Daredevil [The closing gorge jump is undeniably a vital scene for establishing the Simpsons’ tone and boosting its popularity, but the rest of the episode is not as interesting, albeit entertaining enough.]

4. The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons [Jumping to season nine, this is a big step for changing the status quo and staying respectful to Apu, but it gets way too shticky and farcical at the same time.]

5. Lisa the Skeptic [This one has potential, but the moralizing is incoherent and patronizing, plus the characterizations are really messed up.]

6. Miracle On Evergreen Terrace [Maybe too cynical and depressing for an episode of the Simpsons; however, all three of these past eps have some solid laughs and a few memorable moments.]

7. Trash of the Titans [The 200th episode! Although it starts off hilarious, it gets weaker as it goes. It’s such a clear example of the series’ enjoyable traits getting degraded within the runtime of an episode that if you wanted one subpar installment as a case study, I’d suggest this. Also a B- on my scale.]

8. When You Dish Upon A Star [The rough dividing line for celebrity appearances on the show going from original characters or at least meta stunt casting to glib, unearned disruptions. I give them a pass for it here, because it’s the foundation of the story, and progresses somewhat realistically.]

9. Lisa Gets An A [This ep is packed with famous gags, but the ending is total character assassination and drags it down. To me, the popular B story is way too silly; your mileage may vary.]

10. Viva Ned Flanders [More retconning and out of character behavior, though it’s an interesting premise. A sign of downturn at the time, this sort of conflicted result is common in its era, which is why I’m favoring season nine and ten installments here. Most people agree that some are lackluster there but nobody agrees on which, so make up your own mind.] 

11. Monty Can’t Buy Me Love [The B grade, merely adequate episodes are fascinating to contrast between the current day and years ago. The teen years still tend to have sharp joke writing, yet sacrifice everything else for those laughs. Meanwhile, modern day Simpsons gets back to somewhat coherent interpersonal basics, at the cost of the show’s identity and freshness (frequently skimping on good gags as well). All other things being equal, I’ll take the old school stuff. That said, watching all these promising but disappointing episodes in a row closely approximates my feelings skimming through the supposed heights of post-classic Simpsons, only most of the time that was even more painful to watch.]

12. Take My Wife, Sleaze [Gets a little broad, and it’s arguably the same comedic dynamic the whole time. Nonetheless, this is prime Swartzwelder whimsy. Worth it if you need some last remnants of pre-2000 Simpsons glory.]

13. The Mansion Family [If I were being extra pedantic, I would point to this installment as the single tide-turning moment where the series seemed to recognize in a metaphysical sense that it was falling apart for a number of reasons, then willfully indulged all of them at once and never looked back. It worked okay as trashy nonsense for this one episode, and then the shitstorm began immediately afterward.]

14. Behind the Laughter [Arguably the beginning of the show’s periodic meta gimmick episodes (give or take the Simpsons Spinoff Showcase and 138th Episode Spectacular). While it’s a tad repetitive, dated, and destructive to continuity, this is the one you should see to get the idea of all the rest. Also initially planned as a series finale; that would have helped it, yet the Simpsons trudged on.]

15. The Computer Wore Menace Shoes [The very definition of loose and madcap nihilism, with no effort put into plot cohesion and an elaborately obtuse spoof for the entire second half. Yet it has funny moments and stands as a nice tonal experiment; plus, some fans swear by it as an interesting curio.]

16. Jaws Wired Shut [Another merely adequate ep, which probably felt encouraging at the time I was slogging through these seasons, given how bad its surroundings were. I vaguely remembered seeing it in syndication, and reading about it obsessively in the old episode guidebooks I owned as well. That familiarity is one of the main reasons I didn’t stop watching after season eleven.]

17. Simpsons Christmas Stories [More decent anthology stuff.]

18. Any Given Sundance [A nice enough topical trend/subculture time capsule. This is one of the best ones, to illustrate how that normally goes.]

19. Treehouse Of Horror XX [This one is also pretty consistent and creative, but falls a bit short of being a standout. Maybe it’s because the ambitious Sweeney Todd segment is just bizarre.]

20. Moe Goes From Rags To Riches [This ep is reviled by fans, but I thought it was – repeating myself here – just fine as a far-out excuse for a historical anthology (boosted by a cruel yet creative Bart-Milhouse tale on the side). Which makes me suspect that while the show may have actually evened out after the rocky teens-seasons era, in exchange, it lost the ability to make real classics. Nevertheless, it’s an admirable effort they put in to make this tired old warhorse even rise to the level of “acceptable” after so long.]

21. Ned ‘n’ Edna’s Blend Agenda [There is some slight continuity creeping in in the later years, represented here by Ned and Edna having gotten together after Maude’s death. And when her voice actor died, they killed off poor Mrs. Krabappel too.]

22. There Will Be Buds [If this was made in the golden age, it might have been great. But while this series is extremely flexible, there’s something about translating today’s stereotypes, interests, and satirical targets into the world of Springfield that just feels wrong. Seeing the family with smartphones on social media is the biggest offender, no matter how well handled it is. Anyway, while pretty good and well-rounded in a vacuum, I couldn’t help but be bugged by that stuff in this entry. Perhaps that’s the disconnect between me and people who insist the Simpsons is still excellent. I think this show does have a set identity, and however well-intentioned and pedigreed new entries may be, they continue to violate it. This is good comedy, but not quite great Simpsons.]

23. Bart Vs. Itchy & Scratchy [One of the series’ other latter-day bids for relevance is hiring notorious comedy writers to pen an installment, with results being mixed at best. Most successful is this very characteristic offering from Megan Amram. Not too shabby, but again, feels “off” in the way of all modern Simpsons.]

24. Warrin’ Priests I & II [Another one of the recent stunts is returning to the idea of two-parters, after Who Shot Mr. Burns? This is the best one thus far, and is also by a guest writer, Pete Holmes. He surprisingly nails the emotional, honest side of the show in this adventurous examination of modern faith. However, these are a bit padded and maybe intentionally joke-light. Counting two installments as one here to cheat the numbers.]

25. Bart’s Birthday [Since the days of Behind the Laughter, it seems less-than-realistic gimmicks and non-canonical hypotheticals are now all the series has left for fresh ground. Which is fine, up to a point. This one was okay, but could have been better. When you’ve seen all the rest of the episodes in this guide, it’s only fair to expect more from the Simpsons.]

…And for the sake of contrast, let’s tack on season fourteen’s abominable Helter Shelter. Gotta have one horrendous dud in there for masochists! A bunch of frustrating bad ideas and lazy writing keep compounding into a truly awful TV episode with almost nothing of value. Even when it comes to utter garbage, as South Park famously quipped in a contemporaneous story of its own… Simpsons Already Did It!

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A Zombie Simpsons Episode Guide

SEASONS ONE AND TWO

On rewatching and considering episodes for the seasons besides three to eight, I prioritized story arcs, character continuity, originality, and tonal balance even over the jokes. That is why I think many fans of the series’ storytelling will dig season two, though it never quite reaches the level of “comedic masterpiece”. Early on, the pieces are in place to have an emotionally developed and unique episode every time, and the humor style is recognizable, if not as dense and polished as it would become in season three. Co-creators Matt Groening, James L. Brooks, and Sam Simon were still actively engaged in the creative process at this point too, for what that’s worth. As far as I’m concerned, season two is surely golden era Simpsons, just with a couple asterisks (same as season nine).

Season one is merely an influential curiosity these days – rudimentary, slow and joke-light compared to what would follow. Not to mention the voices and animation are off, with only a handful of secondary characters in the picture. But there is a solitary ep I would call worthwhile: the start of the Sideshow Bob saga (directed by Brad Bird, no less)! In terms of “classic status”, I find it reasonable to give the debut year a pass, because of its historic nature, idiosyncratic tone, and notable brevity (only thirteen installments long). Such is the duality of life and the Simpsons, I suppose – starting wobbly and ending feebly.

A+

One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish [The show’s first exceptional entry, in my opinion.]

Homer Vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment

Lisa’s Substitute [This episode alone makes watching the season worth it. Not to overhype! Best of season two.]

A

Two Cars In Every Garage and Three Eyes On Every Fish [The first few seasons had a surprising frequency of Mr. Burns stories. This may be the best of those.]

Bart Vs. Thanksgiving

Itchy & Scratchy & Marge

Bart Gets Hit By A Car [First Phil Hartman appearance, first Swartzwelder script where he has the show’s voice down. How could this not be a classic?]

The Way We Was [First backstory flashback, forming the basis of the Simpsons timeline.]

Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? [The series understandably forgot about Homer’s long-lost brother after two episodes, but Danny Devito made him amusing for a while.]

Bart’s Dog Gets An F [The few episodes about Santa’s Little Helper are inherently limited, but this one at least has novelty going for it. I give them a mulligan for one emotionally manipulative pet story done well.]

Old Money [You could call this story meandering, yet it’s an interesting structure where they breeze past the plot points you’d expect and wander into other narrative cul de sacs, while never losing focus on the characters. Many of these season two episodes work like that.]

Brush With Greatness

Three Men and A Comic Book

Blood Feud

A-

Treehouse of Horror [Very important to the show’s evolution, of course.]

Dead Putting Society [Early Flanders! A surprisingly well-rounded character considering what he became later, though that goes for everyone in the cast.]

Principal Charming

The War of the Simpsons [The first worthwhile “Simpson Marriage In Trouble” episode.]

B+

Krusty Gets Busted [Best of season one, not that there’s much competition. Yet this does feel like a rough version of the classic years.]

Bart Gets An F 

SEASON NINE

My initial take on season nine was relatively bullish because of the fears I had that the show would go right off a cliff (which it did not). That super positive first assessment was also due to the series’ joke quality and pacing staying mostly intact. There was the infamous line-in-the-sand controversy of The Principal and the Pauper, but that episode can stand on its own despite the flagrantly misguided premise, and the season would stray from that surrealism in its highlights. To me, the characterizations are still largely on point throughout. 

However, it took a rewatch focusing on the story coherence and emotional impact to realize that the plotlines began to weaken in season nine, something I had previously noticed in only a few spots. Truthfully, about half the episodes are either more mean-spirited or casually nonsensical than they should be, though fresh concepts, narrative focus and/or the density of gags save many of them from those drawbacks. Things are just carrying on from the relative darkness and deconstruction of late season eight, with a lower ratio of heartwarming or realistic plots. 

Another complicating factor is the fact that the production cycle was a free-for-all, passing through four show runners and being written by teams of different old school writers. So in theory, this year should be as good as the ones that preceded it. Yet it does start to slip and deform, both out of desperation for new ideas, and due to the aforementioned sense of competition with its TV descendants. 

Overall, going as hard on it as I could (through a variety of lenses), I would consider season nine as technically after the peak of the series, but in the same manner as the end of season eight. We’re barely starting to trek down the other side of the mountain here, rather than falling right off. There are three categories of problems present here: things that had already been happening in small amounts, factors beyond the creators’ control which would have cropped up anyway in a nine-year-old series, and variables the writers purposely messed with or ignored. So yes, the seams are starting to show, but this is still a great TV season by any metric. Clip show aside, there’s a baseline competence, with just two or three outright bad installments (the Simpsons almost managed to get to 200 episodes without a single total clunker). This may not be as immaculate as seasons four or six, but that’s no reason to cut it off from golden age status. In other words: definitely classic, yet fascinatingly flawed. 

A+

The City of New York Vs. Homer Simpson [Sure it’s a bit awkward to watch now, but me and other fans agree that besides… you know… this is an all-timer.]

Bart Star [Best of season nine. I can’t find any nitpicks here.]

The Joy of Sect [Among its other good qualities, season nine feels like the last time the show was absolutely on top of trends and exploring novel themes, being first on the scene to satirize something. This is probably the final example of a definitive Simpsons cultural takedown, and a very risky one at that.]

Dumbbell Indemnity [Stories about secondary characters were a breath of fresh air and a necessity at some point in the series’ evolution, and they worked so long as they were tethered to a relationship in the main cast. That kind of expansive narrative focus carried over neatly from the prior few years, and though it would soon get thrown out of whack, this and This Little Wiggy below are aces.]

Lisa the Simpson [In many ways, Lisa is the heart of the show, and season nine was the last time she got more than one amazing episode. This one may undersell Bart and Homer, but not too badly.]

This Little Wiggy

A

Treehouse Of Horror 8

The Cartridge Family [Not necessarily dated or problematic, though I didn’t give it the A+ out of an abundance of caution. The moral also gets so muddled that both parties come off a bit badly. Damn, is it funny, though.]

King of the Hill [This gets a little exaggerated and wacky, yet John Swartzwelder nails the stories, tying them together well.]

Lost Our Lisa [The lesson at the end is a bit confused, but its heart is in the right place.]

Natural Born Kissers [A breezy execution of a novel premise that an earlier installment had only hinted at.]

A-

Lisa’s Sax [It’s not just the long All In the Family theme spoof that worryingly sets up negative Family Guy comparisons here (although that show hadn’t even started yet). The flashback snippet structure is aimless and indulgent, but this ep is emotionally on point.]

Bart Carny 

The Last Temptation of Krust [They would turn the tag of this one into its own ep idea in season ten, which is an odd case. The last iconic Krusty episode.]

The Trouble With Trillions [Swartzwelder’s scripts are so funny I tend to forgive the later ones some frivolous foolishness. This and Bart Carny are good examples. After season eleven, however, even he couldn’t right the ship, which I suspect led to him getting restless and quitting by the fifteenth year.]

B+

The Principal and the Pauper [Contrary to its reputation, I think contemporary viewers will find this enjoyable, if not amazing. It’s an exercise in taking an ill-advised, preposterous premise, and making it as resonant and engaging as possible. The only place it starts to pile on too hard is the very end. And how crazy is it that Mad Men used this same exact backstory for Don Draper?!?]

Realty Bites [Probably the last great Marge story, as well as introducing a couple late-era recurring characters, including the ad hoc replacement for Phil Hartman’s characters, Gil! Quite a strange B story, but it doesn’t hurt things that badly.]

Das Bus [A potential favorite, unfortunately saddled with the worst B-plot and most notable snide story copout of this list. The suspension of disbelief hurts fanciful premises like this too, creative as they may be.]

SEASON TEN

I alluded to the inevitable plummet in quality from classic Simpsons to post-classic Simpsons, and while it’s still an acceptable, even above-average batch of episodes, season ten is clearly what gets us there. It’s transitional – unbeknownst to audiences at the time, the series would later lose even more of its identity and appeal, so that this year would look rosy in comparison. And yet I would argue it’s already starting to become a different show. My issues with season nine have deepened, while a few new wrinkles appear. This is a distracted, cynical, surreal, and trend-chasing sitcom whose creators are beginning to get tired and frustrated in real time. They’re running out of ideas and trying wild experiments, not all of which pay off. They thought they were seeing the writing on the wall for the artistic or even literal end of the series. (The voice actors briefly quit and lobbied for new contracts during this season, and of course there’s Phil Hartman’s final appearance.) 

This is the first year since the debut without an installment I would say is transcendently great, and even the high water marks are fewer in number. Meanwhile, the weakest episodes here would reach even lower lows than before, anticipating the range most filler entries would stay at for the rest of the show’s run. These changes become uncomfortable and grating, making this more of a gamble than season nine. An underlying factor is the wobbliness of the once-solid story structures. If they were decaying in season nine, season ten throws narrative sense out the window at times. This year is also where you can clearly notice the character tropes and distortions that would become the series’ downfall. For instance, this season leans incredibly hard on Homer and his foibles, for better or worse.

And yet, despite everything, I would assert that season ten has a definite resemblance to the tone, plotting, and characterization of the golden era, even if it’s an inconsistent echo. Please understand I’m being a stickler here and grading harshly – while watching the Simpsons in order, most of the encroaching problems were only damaging in retrospect and with full context, and so season ten is still largely enjoyable. The show was so great in previous years that it had a long way to fall before becoming less than quality programming. 

No matter what issues there are here, I had the realization that this is the last time it’s worthwhile to dissect a season in full. Season ten is the final one worth considering on its own terms, since beginning with year eleven, the Simpsons would become consistently bad for the first time, and after that, it’s all just a blur. I think it’s significant that although you could look at these 22 episodes and not be hugely impressed, you could randomly choose 22 installments from the multiple decades after this, and I guarantee they would be worse. In fact, this season has a very solid opening four entries, if a bit too wacky or cruel to be masterpieces. Then the façade slowly fades, with the second half of the run featuring a few depressing clunkers (including the dreadful finale, which is the worst episode of the good years). But that’s getting into negatives again.

Besides its overarching problems, season ten shakes out favorably in a numerical sense. It’s a watchable, decent 22 episodes on average, with a tentative overall grade of B+. However, at this point it becomes clear what a low bar “consistently fine” is in comparison to the now-receding classic era. (For what it’s worth, this is markedly stronger than any following season – there’s an equally big gap in my grades between seasons nine to ten and ten to eleven.) Given the large fumble in quality control, I wouldn’t put it into the pantheon of absolute masterpiece years, but I can’t fully write it off either. With a bit of good will and bias towards the greatest TV comedy, I’ll give it a pass and generously round up to a nice even number. To me, the golden age of the Simpsons is the first ten years.

A

Lard of the Dance [Nonsense Homer adventures and odd jobs start to creep in by now, though this works as a one-off. Probably best of season ten, if only for the Lisa story. Although she had one-episode foils before this, the “maturity” angle is fresh.]

The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace [A tiny bit of Jerkass Homer, but it would get so much worse, and the story is good, with classic gags.]

Wild Barts Can’t Be Broken [The climax is a top five Simpsons original music moment for me, which redeems the kinda nasty beginning. One thing the show never lost its way with was the fantastic integration of songs.]

Mom and Pop Art [The perfunctory yet sweet ending saves a character conflict that could have gone off the rails. Otherwise, very creative!]

A-

Treehouse Of Horror 9 [The already surreal Treehouse episodes took a bit longer than the rest of the series to get stretched out of proportion and milked for all they were worth. One Jerry Springer guest role aside, this is still some quality Halloweenery.]

Mayored To the Mob [Just a well-written comedy story that never loses focus or falters.]

Homer To the Max [Probably the first canonical ep to get weirdly meta. I gave it a pass this once, for being clever and original at the time.]

Simpsons Bible Stories [Shout out to the Treehouse-aping historical anthology episodes, beginning right here! Strangely enough, this categorical niche is one of the more reliable story engines for the mid-to-late show because the writers have a premade plot to follow that doesn’t involve anything these characters have already done, and they can just lay good jokes on top.]

B+

Bart the Mother [Phil Hartman’s last appearance. Come to think of it, this is vaguely similar, and inferior to, Marge Be Not Proud. If you can see the thematic parallels, then you understand how strict I’m being with the series repeating itself.]

D’oh-in In the Wind [Eventually the Simpsons’ young boomer/old Gen X-er pedigree would render it cringey and slow on its feet with contemporary satire, but this is the last episode to proudly, productively wear that generational influence on its sleeve.]

I’m With Cupid [I feel lukewarm on this one, though it basically has a sound structure and characters act like they should (despite some tedious gender stereotypes). However, things are starting to slip at points in the second half of season ten.]

Marge Simpson In: Screaming Yellow Honkers [The episode derived from The Last Temptation Of Krust’s ending. Despite the self-plagiarized premise and some straining of believability, it’s fun.]

The Old Man and the C Student [Although many of season ten’s recommendations have qualifiers, this trifling entry is proof that a Simpsons B+ is a delightful romp by less strict standards.]

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SO IT’S COME TO THIS: A “Zombie” Simpsons Postmortem, Part II

SELF-REPETITION (AND ZOMBIE SIMPSONS)

Speaking of time, even if the powers that be managed to avoid every other problem this far, they would still run into the enemy of all TV shows: entropy. Making 750 episodes of television both takes a lot out of you and requires a ton of creative investment. Though this is quite an expansive series, I would bet that there aren’t half that many unique premises inherent to these characters and settings. By virtue of existing as long as it has, the Simpsons has repeated itself to no end, and in searching for new ground to tread, has come up with some terrible episode concepts. 

The show has even made jokes delineating the specific cliches it falls back on. Homer gets a new job. Marge and Homer’s marriage is in trouble. The family visits another city or country. One of the kids has a crush. A random celebrity comes to town. And so on. I would cut them a little slack if the only issue was being redundant, but in conjunction with the other problems, things really go south.

This phenomenon is colloquially known as “Zombie Simpsons”: an undead program far past its sell-by date, remixing and cannibalizing old plotlines, and hanging on any way it knows how, even at the cost of its soul. 

I want to clarify that Zombie Simpsons is not quite when the show became bad, but the period of pointless stasis and irrelevance afterward. I would label the bitter decline era as seasons nine to fourteen, reaching a pitiful low somewhere in the teens. Then, by the 20s seasons, things evened out into a series artificially keeping itself alive. 

Zombie Simpsons isn’t necessarily terrible. It just morphs somewhere along the line into a different and far lesser show. Once the creators recognized their error and went back to basics, things had gotten so predictable there was no comparison to the good years. There were many factors that shifted the series’ identity in a fundamental way, so it’s hard to compare to the previous low point of the teen seasons. 

The gradually coarsening jokes eventually mutated into “nicecore” humor, single-camera sitcom affectations, and other modern high concept variants of TV DNA. In the teen years, the characters were crude, exaggerated and nonsensical iterations of themselves, whereas in later seasons, they turned into flattened, generic archetypes. Advancing technology, culture and social mores fit awkwardly into the show’s base worldview by then. The references struggled to be as broad and timeless as those in the original run.

This is an almost singular example of such a television lifespan, which is why it’s worth studying in detail. In certain respects, it resembles a human lifetime, with unruly vivaciousness leading into practical yet sedentary behavior. The 20s seasons have more character based and focused stories, yet they’re still weak due to less distinctive and funny joke writing than the more surreal, madcap teen years. On average, the episodes may be mediocre rather than terrible, but it’s unrewarding and frustrating since they show promise, yet can’t fully deliver on it. Even the Zombie years got too repetitive, and as a result, the 30s seasons seem extra desperate to be novel and different. Regardless, the show’s reputation is settled, and its influence has long since passed.

COMPETITION WITH OTHER SHOWS 

You can’t chart the decline of the Simpsons without mentioning the concurrent premieres of Futurama, Family Guy, King of the Hill, and South Park all right around seasons nine and ten. The Simpsons was by then old and famous enough to influence other programs, and its fate was either to be complacently surpassed by them or destroy itself in an attempt to keep up (and it ended up sort of doing both). The series went up against these challengers in such departments as fast-paced cultural riffs, character-based premise-heavy worldbuilding, irreverent cutting-edge satire, and grounded heartwarming family comedy, and there was no way a show that long in the tooth could have matched all those conflicting traits at once, like it did in its heyday. (There was also the encroaching cable TV revolution to keep up with for viewership, and that didn’t help.) The resulting tonal shifts take a big chunk of the blame for the incoherence and degradation of seasons nine to fourteen.

This sense of competition and emulation led to an identity crisis as the years went on. After influencing TV for a decade, the Simpsons was stuck playing catch-up to the newest voices in comedy, and inevitably fell short of genius, even as its imitations were superficially fine. It first tried to keep up with the animated sitcoms of the late 90s, but later eras were contending with live action sitcom formulas of the Michael Schur type, to use one example. Due to this, the HD era, which seemed more grounded and earnest on its face, came across as uncanny in comparison to the classic years. It just didn’t fit the voice of the show.

PUBLIC PERCEPTION

Most of the Simpsons’ core audience eventually moved on out of disappointment and disinterest, which affected the series’ standing in retrospect. While there was always enough viewership and familiarity to keep things going, the public as consumers can make or break projects like this. Once they established the narrative that the Simpsons went bad, it became a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy for the show’s creative direction and reputation.

Many of its most famous quotes and memes are from the first decade, and its live viewership dropped slightly after that point as well. Merchandise sales dipped considerably once it was no longer the boldest new thing on TV. There was a decade-long Emmy award drought after the teen years. They even stopped publishing the episode guides by season fifteen. The very complaint of “The Simpsons isn’t good anymore” became such a pervasive and divisive topic as to inspire its own Wikipedia page, as well as this essay. And this is extra subjective, but after a certain point, the comedy side of things just wasn’t as good anymore. The variety, the density, the clarity, the point of view was gone. 

The Simpsons’ decline is now almost as famous as its heyday. A useful metaphor for this is the show-within-a-show, Itchy and Scratchy. The cartoon cat and mouse once represented the creators’ relationship to the medium of television (and animation history by way of Tom and Jerry), one of the series’ stronger themes. But over the Simpsons’ run, things became uninspired. As the creative staff turned over, much of the foundational show business satire and nuclear family wackiness was pushed to the side in favor of more timely and vapid gags on reality programming and the internet. The now vestigial Itchy and Scratchy were only kept around to do occasional movie parodies, animated zombies like the series itself. The show, once a radical artwork railing against the mainstream culture, had become the tedious old fart it once poked fun at, as the circle of life kept turning. (On that topic, the old-school audience is now old enough to have had kids and even grandchildren. At the very least, sharing the series among generations has prolonged its influence and popularity. Having new episodes still airing also acts as promotion for the classic years, which is a net good.) They should have retired Itchy and Scratchy from the show, or ended it, period, but no. The Simpsons is now so deathless as to be self-parodic.

Modern Simpsons is mostly irrelevant in the comedy landscape, beyond being a reminder of the good old days. (Though I will admit that its brutally cynical depiction of the police has aged well.) Despite inventing a whole town full of personalities and touching on hundreds of topics, the series does have its own outlook, influences, and style of humor, and when the outside world evolved beyond that, any attempts to change were bound to be a little stilted or off. Not even the best comedy ever can successfully tackle every single theme that comes up over four decades. The Simpsons is a product of the 1990s, in a charming way.

RECKONING WITH THE ZOMBIE

And so, the Simpsons sucks now, for all these reasons and more. The show’s singular breadth and depth turned into a liability, diluting the core dynamics and comedy sensibility into something unrecognizable. Sitcoms thrive on some level of familiarity, and the bandwagon-jumping diaspora of Springfieldian content in the past two decades has transformed it into a string of independently functioning comedy programs, none of them cohering neatly with one another, and never measuring up to the heyday.

Some of these phases might be better than others, and they may feature the same people and places, but they’re barely the Simpsons anymore. It’s functionally rebooted itself several times, and with each one there’s less of a rationale for it to keep going. That’s the problem with the “original sin” Scully years: in retrospect, those seasons have held up better than their foul reputation, yet they’re already a different beast than the classic ones. In other words, I am really considering two interrelated questions here: “Is the Simpsons Still Good?”, and “Is the Simpsons Still the Simpsons?” 

Beyond all the seasonal and era-based commentary, if we’re drawing a definitive line in the sand, would I say everything after season eight is inherently bad? Of course not. But is it good enough to be worth digging through all the mediocrity to find ever rarer quality stuff? Also no. If we consider “good Simpsons” as an episodic ratio, I don’t think there’s a person on Earth who would disagree that the single digit years have a far better batting average than everything afterward. Even the boosters of modern-day seasons aren’t claiming that every week’s installment is a banger. 

To me, the Simpsons died when it stopped being faithful to the creators’ initial vision and reflecting the cultural landscape around that concept. That dovetails with the end of the 1990s, with only rare glimmers of transcendence afterward. It is possible to find small faults in the peak years, as well as seeking out substance in the later days, but if you compared a random sampling of both, there’s no contest. The post-90s phases are all inferior in their own ways. They may rise to the level of watchable TV at times, though that’s nothing special. I’ve seen recent claims that the show is in a Renaissance. If our metric is the golden age, this is simply not true. There’s no shame in the series not being good anymore. However, there’s also no sense in praising or rehabilitating something that’s largely average.

To be fair, writing about a program that’s technically still ongoing is tough, because I have to make sure anything I say could apply retroactively. But I think I’ve cracked the code – I spent the better part of two years watching and rewatching around 430 episodes of the series for research, not to mention hours of internalizing the viewing guides as a kid and poring over tons of critical analysis. Averaging out the amount of annual installments, I estimate the series has eleven seasons worth of good episodes to date, which is no small feat! (I have viewed almost twenty seasons’ worth thus far to make that assumption.) Though I haven’t seen every single entry of the Zombie decades, about 120 of them were after season fourteen, so I feel qualified to judge that era. I know what I’m talking about as much as any Simpsons fan, and can stand by these takes as of season 35.

There’s one more wrinkle – of course there’s a recency and age bias when looking back on all these things. People have been negatively comparing new Simpsons to old, and favoring the era they grew up with, as long as the show has been running. But as we get ever closer to half a century removed from the premiere, those hot takes have receded and now there are people coming to the entire vintage era with fresh eyes. With some level of objectivity, over the series’ history, every cohort of viewers has recalibrated by now to agree that its best years are behind it, and that they were early on. 

CONCLUSION

After all this detailed over-analysis, I have come to a few conclusions. Especially with hindsight after so much garbage has aired, I would stridently vouch for seasons two and nine to join the ranks of the golden age. (It bears repeating that the classic years occasionally exhibited some of the aforementioned problems and nobody cared, whether out of how quickly things recovered, or a sense of one-off novelty. Perhaps people also went easier on the mistakes the first time they got made.) Season two is a fascinating early example of the blend between heartfelt live action sitcom and the possibilities of the animation style. Season nine is a puzzling mixed bag of the same greatness with encroaching issues and a few duds. I consider the nascent, stuffy season one an acceptable mulligan. Season ten is vaguely recognizable and watchable as the same show, despite the problems settling in for good. Season eleven starts off okay, and then falls off a cliff in the 21st century half, a place the series would generally stay to this day. Seasons twelve and beyond have that same ratio: a handful of solid installments and the rest is mediocre or worse, with a steadily declining rate of even the good episodes. At this point, the show became legitimately bad on a seasonal level. The ratio had gone from mostly great installments plus a few stinkers, to only having a few standout scenes per script, and these days it’s a minor wonder when there’s a mere dialogue exchange that recalls the glory days. There are some relative ups and downs, but on average, modern Simpsons is weak at best, and has been for a couple decades. (Keep in mind that any long-running program will eventually suffer problems like these; apply these points to your favorite legacy series and see how well they match up!)

All this explanation is not only to denigrate the husk the Simpsons has become, but to celebrate the almost 250 truly excellent installments it managed to produce so far. Just because it has been bad for so long in no way devalues the greatness that made it to air, and thus, what follows is a viewing guide to the good stuff. It was important to have a strict cutoff for those less obsessive than I – including decades’ worth of okay episodes would be pointless and overwhelming. 

It goes without saying that seasons three to eight are unimpeachable and any watch through should include them, even with the occasional lackluster installment. My episode guide will center on the unfairly marginalized transitional years, plus the doldrum decades that followed. Somebody has to stick up for them, so I came up with an awkward 101 episodes beyond the agreed upon classic era that I recommend, with no deserving entries excluded. After filling out the debatable bubble seasons, fewer than fifty of them are from the wasteland zombie period. They’ll be organized by season and grade tier if you only wish to sample some at the very top from each year. And with that, here’s the type of grade explanation I seem to have in every project. I promise it’s quick this time! 

A+ = Perfect. Masterpiece. Few shows can reach this level, but the Simpsons nails it often, with tons of episodes across the A range.

A = Essential, as good as anything TV comedy has made. Maybe a little less polished or notorious than the masterpieces, yet no real flaws. 

A- = Minor classic; not perfect, but this might be the peak of other TV comedies. Recommendable if you’re down with that and willing to overlook a few issues.

B+ = Solidly enjoyable episode with caveats; recommendable by lesser shows’ standards but not quite up to par for the Simpsons. Noticeably different than “golden era” standards, but still basically good.

B = Adequate yet unimpressive for TV comedy as a whole, definitely not great by Simpsons standards. Assets outweigh flaws, though not by much.

B- = Subpar/mediocre, but not yet awful. This is certainly my line in the sand for separating good episodes from bad ones, if not the B level.

C+, etc. = I wouldn’t acknowledge anything at or below this grade. Poor, dreadful at worst.

With that said, enough Zombie Simpsons – let’s enjoy Awesome Simpsons!

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SO IT’S COME TO THIS: A “Zombie” Simpsons Postmortem

The Simpsons is still on. How weird is that? After its network debut in 1989, it was amazing for a while, and eventually got worse, borderline terrible at times, though the narrative of when and why has changed over the years. I’m here to offer my own take and perhaps shift the public record ever so slightly.

But before the criticism, I want to briefly delve into how and when the show became great. Make no mistake, it is a dopamine festival to behold a good Simpsons episode in action. That may get lost in all the nitpicking to follow, but I could only attempt to overanalyze something this much if I loved it deeply at its best, and never get tired of watching it. I don’t want to condemn it too harshly, just set boundaries and make an argument for where the qualities I admire most tapered off. That’s the reality of a TV series’ lifespan. In fact, if you look at the flip side, it’s amazing how long the creators (more or less) held things together to deliver the goods.

WHEN WAS THE SIMPSONS GOOD?

As with its protracted backslide, there are several places one could choose for the start of greatness. To begin with, there’s the premiere episode Simpsons Roasting On An Open Fire, to the extent that all old school Simpsons is worth watching in some way. Such an institution is inherently interesting and historic, although it took time developing its own voice and formula. Call of the Simpsons showed the first hints of that comedy sensibility. Life On the Fast Lane was the first episode to be awarded by peers and feature a famous guest star voice. After this point, the whole family had been defined in essence, and had at least one focal story apiece. Krusty Gets Busted showcased the gradual worldbuilding of Springfield’s citizens and the beginning of the long running Sideshow Bob storyline, one of the show’s only such arcs. Treehouse of Horror marked the first entry of an iconic annual anthology series, increasing the flexibility of the writers’ comedic surrealism, and precipitating other What If?-style episodes. Bart Vs. Thanksgiving was the first entry to be successful and uncompromising with James Brooks-style sitcom sentiment, while the writers picked up the pacing and learned to make their stories denser. One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish was the first installment where every aspect of the formula is on point, and it seems to be syndicated often. Lisa’s Substitute was the first masterful episode in the sense that it regularly gets cited as a series high point for its pathos, though the jokes are effortless too. Season three took things to another level. By the time Radio Bart aired, the show was a heavily marketed sensation and creative breakthrough. That ep in particular boasts another critical element, the vast cast of secondary characters. In contrast to Lisa’s Substitute, Homer At the Bat is the series’ first absolute peak as a perfect nonstop comedy delivery system. Finally, there’s Kamp Krusty – from season four on, the Simpsons was an undeniable cultural juggernaut. This episode demonstrates how the show embraced the kind of fast paced, irreverent family comedy that still feels fresh today. Its reputation and even the network airing it were fully established by then, and its golden age was in full swing. Indeed, season four may be my pick for greatest television season of all time.

THE BIG PICTURE

This streak of magnificence continued for several years. The Bill Oakley and Josh Weinstein-run seasons (seven and eight) are never cited as less than classic, but they did produce the Simpsons’ first controversial and divisive installments toward the end, as the writers began to get restless and tinkered with the show’s format. However, it is totally unreasonable to write off the rest of the series because of a couple odd entries. 

Therefore, this was only the beginning of the contentious period. The era with Mike Scully as showrunner (seasons nine to twelve) was not, as first received, one definitive shark jump which led to instant disaster. Nothing is ever that simple, and this show especially warrants further detail of the string of mistakes and inevitable flaws that added up to the Simpsons we have today. It also bears mentioning that by the law of averages, the golden era is not flawless (despite being close), while the later years stumble on a good episode every now and then.

That said, the degradation of the Simpsons is an insidious downward spiral. By the time Al Jean returned in season thirteen as co-showrunner with Matt Selman, its breakdown was undeniable. Even compared to the stagnation of the modern day entries, seasons nine to fourteen encompass the sharpest decline. But watching those seasons in real time is like the metaphorical frog in gradually boiling water – only in retrospect is the consistent regression evident. 

So the Simpsons became incredible, and then it tanked. Through research of existing literature and firsthand experience, I have elucidated multiple reasons for this decay. The following issues wax and wane over time, yet never fully get fixed. There were isolated examples of all these in earlier years, but it took until season nine for it to become noticeable, season ten for them to coalesce into a pronounced drop in quality, and to season eleven for the show to become inessential. After that, barring very sporadic highlights, it may as well be a different series. I want to try and reconcile those two sides, and though I vehemently disagree with the idea that the show is as good as it’s ever been, it might be possible to explain the disparity. 

Okay… Why does the Simpsons suck now? 

DIMINISHED SENSE OF REALITY

For starters, the writers began to violate their ethos of a “rubber band reality”, so called because as long as a far-out, implausible joke could quickly revert to normalcy, everything was fine. Yet in the process of getting cheekier and stranger with their humor to top themselves, they soon neglected to establish a baseline reality at all. This led to a constant sense of zaniness, with none of the emotional grounding and dramatic conflict of earlier years. In turn, the stories became superficial and bizarre. Without as many uses of subjective flights of fancy or erratic cutaways, the most surreal jokes started to occur in the actual plot, which hurt believability. When using such gags, it got harder to tell what actions would stick and have ramifications in the story, and what things wouldn’t. 

Offshoots of this failure include the once-spry series wading into commentary for new trends too readily and ending up with facile spoofs. In its golden years, it was lampooning decades worth of things that had come before, as well as basing its characters in the culture of the 1990s. Every painful evolution and adaptation beyond that period changed the face of the show into something unrecognizable. Eventually they ran out of fresh things to make fun of besides whatever the current fads were, and the lack of depth was clear.

In building up this world, the writers kept returning to backstory and milestone episodes, but once a chronology was established, further tampering resulted in them contradicting their own facts. Marge and Homer’s youth supposedly occurred in the 90s instead of the 70s, Bart and Lisa’s births shifted forward too, and so on. Canonical details of things that happened were shamelessly rewritten: jobs people had, connections they made, decisions that had meant something, forgotten in the name of new content. In the series’ most desperate moments, it even began to break the fourth wall more frequently, further eroding any sense of viewer investment. 

Even when it was necessary to repeat an essential conflict or time-tested setup, in the good years they would deepen it, taking things in an unexpected direction. But once those stories had each been explored four or five ways, things went sour. It got harder to suspend disbelief, and viewers noticed how the premises were reskinned variations of old triumphs. The uptick in surreal cartoon logic was amusing for a while, but also ruined some of the investment folks had in the cast. By broadening the stories and topics addressed beyond a sustainable level, the Simpsons paradoxically underwent a flattening of the show’s universe and a degradation of character specificity, which cost it part of its soul. In the later years, leaning into postmodernism was the only fresh idea left, with non-canonical anthology episodes, experimental formats, and metacommentary the lone dim highlights of a once mighty TV show. 

DARKER TONE AND CHARACTER DEGRADATION

As the reality faltered, the tone of the series and characters’ traits began to erode as well. Season eight’s Homer’s Enemy is often cited as the dividing line between classic and latter day episodes due to its shocking hostility for the status quo of the central family, and violently satirical ending. Controversial for its era, the Simpsons would only go further in pushing the envelope for cynical, lowbrow, and mean-spirited character interactions. Once there was no empathy or sense of stakes in the storylines, there was no conflict, just premises centered on physical danger, farcical misunderstanding, or contrived misfortune for the family to overcome. Rather than episodes focusing on individuals, the characters were together as a unit throughout these wacky situations, spouting off quips and rolling with one insane scenario after the next.

In a similar vein, secondary and tertiary characters went from welcome cast additions to being deconstructed and reduced to catchphrases. You may have heard the term Flanderization, after the Simpsons’ neighbor who started off representing the ideal everyman, then got warped and exaggerated into being strictly a religious nut, and not much else. The show’s cast would all be undermined in such a way, emphasizing one trait over everything, resulting in two-dimensional gag machines. After a while, they boldly tried to revamp the secondary characters and stick with those evolutions, but it was easier said than done. At best, the status quo changes have been shrugged off or retconned, though many of them were damaging and came across as nihilistic stunts.

As for the family, Homer became even more of a rude, dumb oaf than usual, ignoring his familial responsibilities and getting lots of implausible new jobs. (This is where we get the famous terminology “Jerkass Homer”.) Lisa turned into a staunch and insufferable liberal mouthpiece, latching onto the issues of the day and ditching her sense of propriety. Bart was written as an even more jaded teenager, quipping ironically instead of acting like a kid. He was usually a mere sidekick to Homer or a walking plot device for whatever craze was taking over Springfield. (Both kids suffered the ravages of time, coming across as way older than they’re supposed to be.) 

Poor Marge was eventually a nonentity in the family dynamic, not to mention in a comedic sense. Her role and usefulness as a character diminished once the archetype of the homemaker housewife became less relevant in American culture. Though many other sitcoms of its era featured stay at home moms, Marge’s entire persona was built around being a square, meek domestic fixture. Try as the writers did to give her episodic ambitions and careers, it didn’t hold up to scrutiny after a certain point. Finally, these days, Maggie and Grandpa hardly appear most of the time, unless they’re plot relevant.

At this point, it’s nearly impossible for the writers to find new angles on the central family and citizens of Springfield that don’t commit one of the following missteps: Contradict what’s already established about them, do something out of character and uncanny based on prior behavior, or repeat things that have already been demonstrated.

PACING PROBLEMS

In a compositional sense, the Simpsons’ signs of decline are complicated, but a central one that causes other dominoes to fall is the pacing. The four acts of an episode can get away with maybe one being unrelated topical riffing and cutaway gags. Any more than that, and the plot is rushed and unresolved, or wrapped up too lazily. Then the characters have to deform or contradict their typical behavior to fill in the gaps. Because of that, the remaining jokes become more stereotypical or nonsensical to save time. And at this point, everything is crumbling due to an indulgent several minutes that didn’t keep things moving. (It’s amazing how well the show can pinball between topics and plotlines in its classic years by having just the one offbeat segment – usually the opening – and then following through on the rest.) Back in the day, episodes would juggle as many as four competing story concepts, which was an unstable proposition once the series lasted long enough. By that time, new ideas dried up and they had to begin repurposing and reexamining things from earlier, while slowing down the pace to ration the creativity.

With the advent of a looser, more irreverent tone, those famous discursive intros became extra unnecessary and contrived, which made the middles sag under too much narrative responsibility, and then wrapped up with overly tidy resolutions. That’s if the episode bothered to have traditional story beats at all, which is its own problem. There are fewer robust B plots now and scant cutaway gags, and when there are, they don’t intersect as well with the main story. In the HD years, they changed the act breaks to have awkward and odd tag sections before the credits. Speaking of which, lately their broadcast runtime has been cut down even further for ad space, which can make the episodes feel a bit rushed.

In the current Matt Selman-run era, the show is laudably aiming for every installment to be an event, something experimental and high concept. However, in the current format, this can ironically lead to uninspired, disappointing shells of ideas. The structure locks them into exploring a single plot for the duration, and not every cool pitch can handle that level of scrutiny for a full 22 minutes. Sometimes the pacing works out alright, others it does not. 

PRODUCTION DIFFICULTIES 

The Simpsons’ downfall can be extended to technical details such as these. From season fourteen on, the animation department switched over to digital production. As a result, scene staging, character movement, and modeling all became more rigid and lifeless. The coloring and line work was more uniform and not as expressive.

With the advent of high definition, the powers that be changed the screen format in the late 2000s, but despite the larger frame, there weren’t proportionally more background jokes as compared to before. After the Disney buyout in 2018, the show could no longer make its righteous broadsides against the conglomerate, the same way it continues to do with Fox. So the Disney Plus-produced shorts (and sometimes entire episodes) reek of synergistic propaganda. No doubt this fruitful coupling with the House of Mouse will hyperextend the show’s lifespan even further past its breaking point, into season 40 and beyond. Despite this, a few of the voice actors have expressed their apathy and displeasure with the series continuing, though for now their huge paydays seem to compensate. (In season ten, the staff briefly went on strike and discussed quitting, before their contracts were renegotiated.)

Due to this tedium, their performances have been phoned in (literally, in the case of the pandemic) for years now, with poor Julie Kavner in particular sounding like death after decades of Marge’s grumble. The rest of the family’s voices have become off-kilter, uncanny echoes of themselves as well. At this point, I’m concerned that when a principal voice actor passes away, the overseers will just AI generate all of their lines and soldier on. Once that happens, between the rote scripts, computer-created visuals, and robot voices, the series will genuinely become automated.

All of this is not to ignore the mercenary hold Al Jean and Matt Selman have had over the show since they took the reins in season thirteen. The Simpsons could have been canceled with some amount of dignity left by then, but they were committed to keeping it artificially alive (even though Jean was one of the foundational writers during the golden era and should have known better).

Of course, they couldn’t keep the same work force going forever. Several secondary character actors have died over the run (most famously, Phil Hartman and Marcia Wallace), and the show had varying levels of dignity in its reaction. The primary composer Alf Clausen was fired in 2017, rather than continuing to pay him for his services. Many key writers also departed around seasons five and nine, to produce The Critic and Futurama, respectively. To fill the vacuum, the producers would sometimes hire famous comedians to guest write episodes as a bid for viewership, though they mostly stink. When the classic writers left, whoever remained (plus the new blood) was talented enough to keep things functioning, but not so ingenious or witty that they could recapture the same vibes of the early years. The final thing that respected bunch worked on together was the Simpsons Movie, which was a very mixed bag.

I applaud the showrunners’ diverse late period staff hires. However, due to the group-based nature of their writers’ rooms, beyond John Swartzwelder and the occasional stunt guest writer, I can’t discern any distinct voices behind the material. Perhaps this will change post-pandemic, now that they’ve shaken up the structure of how they make episodes. On a related note, at some point in the 2010s, in an environment where the entrenched power structure of Hollywood was justifiably being challenged, they stopped having white actors voice characters of color. They were either recast or quietly retired from the series, which was an admirable, if awkward decision.

While I value the Simpsons’ joke writing no matter how absurd it gets, I was surprised at how much the emotional core of the show held things together until it started fragmenting. By the end of the 90s, the series is barely recognizable as the initial 1989 incarnation, yet the following decade and beyond are worse. After that era, the closest creative analogy for the production might be Saturday Night Live. It’s never-ending and constantly rejuvenating with new writers and ideas, yet so stale and made by committee that there’s a ceiling on how good it can be. Every once in a while, there may be a standout entry because of its constituent pieces, but it remains inconsistent and self-satisfied. 

Keeping such an old, storied institution relevant is tough, and formula has set in. The original creators have little to nothing to do with the show at this point. In a sense, the aging series is like the Ship of Theseus, with so much changed and worn out it’s no longer comparable to what it was in the 90s. Though it’s a juggernaut that somehow keeps moving, the Simpsons is a relic of its time.

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MYTHS & MONSTERS: Part IX

THE TRUTH

Although I already posted a severely limited crash course, here is a viewing guide to every episode of the X-Files, in order. (Despite its standalone qualities, the optimal experience is still to watch these all as in-sequence as possible.) BOLD episodes are the absolute essentials (A+ and A grades); UNDERLINED episodes are still mostly great and strongly recommended (A- and B+); ITALIC episodes are advanced viewing – either compelling misfires or watchable if you’re intrigued, but not terrific (B and B-); and plain text episodes are all the junk you can definitely skip (C+ and below).

Season One:

Pilot, Deep Throat, Squeeze, Conduit, The Jersey Devil, Shadows, Ghost In the Machine, Ice, Space, Fallen Angel, Eve, Fire, Beyond the Sea, Gender Bender, Lazarus, Young At Heart, E.B.E., Miracle Man, Shapes, Darkness Falls, Tooms, Born Again, Roland, The Erlenmeyer Flask

Season Two:

Little Green Men, The Host, Blood, Sleepless, Duane Barry, Ascension, 3, One Breath, Firewalker, Red Museum, Excelsis Dei, Aubrey, Irresistible, Die Hand Die Verletzt, Fresh Bones, Colony, End Game, Fearful Symmetry, Dod Kalm, Humbug, The Calusari, F. Emasculata, Soft Light, Our Town, Anasazi

Season Three:

The Blessing Way, Paper Clip, D.P.O., Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose, The List, 2Shy, The Walk, Oubliette, Nisei, 731, Revelations, War Of the Coprophages, Syzygy, Grotesque, Piper Maru, Apocrypha, Pusher, Teso Dos Bichos, Hell Money, Jose Chung’s From Outer Space, Avatar, Quagmire, Wetwired, Talitha Cumi

Season Four:

Herrenvolk, Home, Teliko, Unruhe, The Field Where I Died, Sanguinarium, Musings Of A Cigarette Smoking Man, Tunguska, Terma, Paper Hearts, El Mundo Gira, Leonard Betts, Never Again, Memento Mori, Kaddish, Unrequited, Tempus Fugit, Max, Synchrony, Small Potatoes, Zero Sum, Elegy, Demons, Gethsemane

Season Five:

Redux, Redux II, Unusual Suspects, Detour, The Post-Modern Prometheus, Christmas Carol, Emily, Kitsunegari, Schizogeny, Chinga, Kill Switch, Bad Blood, Patient X, The Red And the Black, Travelers, Mind’s Eye, All Souls, The Pine Bluff Variant, Folie A Deux, The End, X-Files: Fight the Future

Season Six:

The Beginning, Drive, Triangle, Dreamland, Dreamland II, How the Ghosts Stole Christmas, Terms Of Endearment, The Rain King, S.R. 819, Tithonus, Two Fathers, One Son, Agua Mala, Monday, Arcadia, Alpha, Trevor, Milagro, The Unnatural, Three Of A Kind, Field Trip, Biogenesis

Season Seven:

The Sixth Extinction, The Sixth Extinction II: Amor Fati, Hungry, Millennium, Rush, The Goldberg Variation, Orison, The Amazing Maleeni, Signs And Wonders, Sein Und Zeit, Closure, X-Cops, First Person Shooter, Theef, En Ami, Chimera, All Things, Brand X, Hollywood A.D., Fight Club, Je Souhaite, Requiem

Season Eight:

Within, Without, Patience, Roadrunners, Invocation, Redrum, Via Negativa, Surekill, Salvage, Badlaa, The Gift, Medusa, Per Manum, This Is Not Happening, Deadalive, Three Words, Empedocles, Vienen, Alone, Essence, Existence

Season Nine:

Nothing Important Happened Today, Nothing Important Happened Today II, Daemonicus, 4-D, Lord Of the Flies, Trust No 1, John Doe, Hellbound, Provenance, Providence, Audrey Pauley, Underneath, Improbable, Scary Monsters, Jump the Shark, William, Release, Sunshine Days, The Truth I, The Truth II, X-Files: I Want To Believe

Season Ten:

My Struggle, Founder’s Mutation, Mulder And Scully Meet the Were-Monster, Home Again, Babylon, My Struggle II

Season Eleven:

My Struggle III, This, Plus One, The Lost Art Of Forehead Sweat, Ghouli, Kitten, Rm9sbG93ZXJz [AKA Followers], Familiar, Nothing Lasts Forever, My Struggle IV

THE END

That about wraps it up for the X-Files. Thanks to everyone for reading! Special thanks to Alyssa, Eloise and Igor for being my spooky sweethearts; to Papa, for introducing me to this show; to James, for inspiring this whole damn project; to Brad, for always being an eager sounding board; to Michele, who talked me through my initial viewing; and to Zack Handlen and Emily St. James, whose wise words about XF brainwashed me into holding most of these opinions. It’s too bad I missed publishing these thoughts on Halloween, but this series is good any time of the year, I promise. If you take away anything from this, it’s to watch and enjoy older TV shows! The new stuff may be just as worthwhile, but if valuable history is forgotten, it will drop off streaming platforms or not even be available for purchase. Oh, and also never stop organizing and advocating to enact social reform. That’s more important than all this stuff. Be well, and if you run into the Flukeman, tell him I said hey!

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MYTHS & MONSTERS: Part VIII

THE LIST

  1. The Lost Art Of Forehead Sweat
  2. Mulder and Scully Meet the Were-Monster
  3. Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose
  4. Humbug
  5. Somehow, Satan Got Behind Me #
  6. Folie A Deux
  7. Anasazi
  8. Ascension
  9. War Of the Coprophages
  10. Musings Of A Cigarette Smoking Man
  11. Never Again
  12. Field Trip
  13. Small Potatoes
  14. Redux II
  15. Memento Mori
  16. Bad Blood
  17. The Pine Bluff Variant
  18. How the Ghosts Stole Christmas
  19. Triangle
  20. Zero Sum
  21. Quagmire
  22. Leonard Betts
  23. The Post-Modern Prometheus
  24. The Amazing Maleeni
  25. Requiem
  26. Jose Chung’s From Outer Space
  27. 731
  28. Talitha Cumi
  29. Herrenvolk
  30. One Breath
  31. Paper Hearts
  32. Home
  33. Demons
  34. Beyond the Sea
  35. Wetwired
  36. F. Emasculata
  37. Nisei
  38. Apocrypha
  39. Colony
  40. Little Green Men
  41. End Game
  42. Drive
  43. Monday
  44. Duane Barry
  45. Vienen
  46. Per Manum
  47. This
  48. Detour
  49. Pusher
  50. Jose Chung’s Doomsday Defense #
  51. The Erlenmeyer Flask
  52. The Host
  53. Eve
  54. Piper Maru
  55. Unruhe
  56. Tempus Fugit
  57. E.B.E.
  58. Redrum
  59. Hollywood A.D.
  60. Je Souhaite
  61. Max
  62. Dreamland
  63. One Son
  64. Fallen Angel
  65. Christmas Carol
  66. Dod Kalm
  67. X-Cops
  68. Tooms
  69. Arcadia
  70. The Unnatural
  71. Within
  72. Three Words
  73. This Is Not Happening
  74. Deadalive
  75. Avatar
  76. Paper Clip
  77. John Doe
  78. Hungry
  79. Roadrunners
  80. Irresistible
  81. Kill Switch
  82. Followers [AKA “Rm9sbG93ZXJz”]
  83. Die Hand Die Verletzt
  84. Dreamland II
  85. S.R. 819
  86. D.P.O.
  87. Sleepless
  88. Two Fathers
  89. Patient X
  90. Grotesque
  91. Ice
  92. Tunguska
  93. Deep Throat
  94. The Gift
  95. Sunshine Days
  96. Unusual Suspects
  97. Without
  98. The Red And the Black
  99. Tithonus
  100. Via Negativa
  101. Emily
  102. Terms Of Endearment
  103. Alone
  104. Existence
  105. Essence
  106. Empedocles
  107. The Rain King
  108. Improbable
  109. Sein Und Zeit
  110. En Ami
  111. Darkness Falls
  112. Squeeze
  113. Gethsemane
  114. Three Of A Kind
  115. Red Museum
  116. Pilot
  117. FIGHT THE FUTURE +
  118. Oubliette
  119. Orison
  120. Millennium
  121. The List
  122. Revelations
  123. Kitsunegari
  124. Kaddish
  125. Brand X
  126. All Souls
  127. Travelers
  128. Mind’s Eye
  129. Chimera
  130. 3
  131. Patience
  132. Unrequited
  133. Medusa
  134. The Goldberg Variation
  135. Closure
  136. Ghouli
  137. Nothing Lasts Forever
  138. The Sixth Extinction II: Amor Fati
  139. The End
  140. Milagro
  141. Trevor
  142. Synchrony
  143. Lazarus
  144. Gender Bender
  145. Kitten
  146. Terma
  147. Elegy
  148. Our Town
  149. The Walk
  150. Conduit
  151. The Blessing Way
  152. The Field Where I Died
  153. Biogenesis
  154. I WANT TO BELIEVE +
  155. Badlaa
  156. Familiar
  157. Ghost In the Machine
  158. Aubrey
  159. Soft Light
  160. Rush
  161. Jump the Shark
  162. Syzygy
  163. Plus One
  164. Theef
  165. Invocation
  166. Signs And Wonders
  167. Teliko
  168. All Things
  169. Trust No 1
  170. Fresh Bones
  171. Born Again
  172. The Calusari
  173. Excelsis Dei
  174. Salvage
  175. Miracle Man
  176. Redux
  177. Agua Mala
  178. Sanguinarium
  179. Surekill
  180. Hell Money
  181. El Mundo Gira
  182. Home Again
  183. Release
  184. 2Shy
  185. Blood
  186. Firewalker
  187. Founder’s Mutation
  188. Audrey Pauley
  189. Hellbound
  190. The Sixth Extinction
  191. The Beginning
  192. Chinga
  193. Alpha
  194. Schizogeny
  195. Roland
  196. Lord Of the Flies
  197. Teso Dos Bichos
  198. Babylon
  199. 4-D
  200. Shapes
  201. Fire
  202. Fearful Symmetry
  203. My Struggle
  204. My Struggle II

A+: 1 – 18
A: 19 – 67
A-: 68 – 94
B+: 95 – 118
B: 119 – 153
B-: 154 – 175
C+: 176 – 189
C: 190 – 199
C-: 200 – 201
D: 202 – 203
F: 204

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MYTHS & MONSTERS: Part VII

“Trust no one.”

REDUX

So let’s get to watching, then! With an undertaking this large, it’s much less daunting to know beforehand what’s good and what to avoid, and that’s where I come in. I borrowed this concept from a column in the aforementioned AV Club’s glory days, but here is a small collection of must-see XF episodes. They cover as many different angles of the show as possible, and were chosen to work effectively with little context needed, and minimal thematic or tonal overlap. It’s a binge-watch length crash course to a series that will hopefully inspire you to seek out more. Each category has two options for further investigation, or to more specifically tailor your experience. I will follow this later with a full episode guide, but these selections are a testing ground for the unsure.

Best overall episode: Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose (The Lost Art Of Forehead Sweat and Mulder And Scully Meet the Were-Monster are equally good, but work better with experience)

Best mythology arc episode: Duane Barry/Ascension (cheating here with an epic, series-defining two-parter) or Redux II (a climactic one-shot that kicks the story arc back into gear and almost wholly functions out of context)

Best spooky episode: Home (viscerally disturbing) or Folie A Deux (existentially haunting)

Best funny episode: Bad Blood (a Rashomon-type story!) or (I can’t stress enough how good Darin Morgan’s scripts are) Humbug

Best formally experimental episode: Triangle (the peak of the show’s high-octane thriller cinematography, with a unique structural device) or How the Ghosts Stole Christmas (a bunch of disparate genres playing very nicely together)

Best human drama episode: Memento Mori (a dialogue-driven, Emmy-winning Gillian tearjerker) or Never Again (a strikingly nihilistic character study that’s only a little paranormal)

Best “existing premise” episode: The Post-Modern Prometheus (a truly new seriocomic take on a classic monster) or Monday (an equally fresh angle on a well-known movie plot)

Best secondary character spotlight episode: Zero Sum (Skinner) or Musings Of A Cigarette Smoking Man (the titular character)

Two more great standalones: Field Trip (the emotionally loaded, surreal culmination of season six) or The Pine Bluff Variant (a fantastic, intense spy story from season five)

Two more great myth episodes: Anasazi and 731 (probably the two most exciting and independently functioning mythology episodes of all)

Worst overall standalone episode: Teso Dos Bichos or Chinga (there are lower depths, but these are the legendary flops I steeled myself to watch)

Worst overall mythology episode: My Struggle I & II (Why am I even talking about these? They’re dogshit.)

The one must-watch episode from sister show Millennium: Somehow Satan Got Behind Me (only available to stream on Dailymotion as of now, but it’s worth it. Morgan’s other script for the series, Jose Chung’s Doomsday Defense, is solid too.)

Most overrated episodes: Paper Clip and Tithonus (Both are still good though!)

Most underrated episodes: Död Kalm and Per Manum (In the first, Scully gets to be 100% right for once, and in the second, she has an extremely fraught and romantic story with Mulder.)

Most watched live episode: Leonard Betts, an incredible straightforward MOTW (save for one pivotal twist) which aired after a Super Bowl, accounting for its ratings boost. 

Total number of episodes: 218 (plus two movies) 

Number I have seen: A nice, even 200 (and both films), and that’s as far as I ever need to go. 

REDUX II

To quickly recapitulate my thoughts on characterizing the X-Files’ evolution: 

  • Season one is an original and promising show figuring itself out beyond the premise. 
  • Seasons two, three, and four feature the typical refinement, expansion and subversion of a classic series formula. 
  • Season five is an iconic, hugely popular phenomenon making weird and random choices under pressure, and most of them working through sheer inertia. 
  • The first movie (Fight the Future) is adequate as a glorified myth episode, without inflated expectations. It’s not amazing, but is superior to the second film.
  • Season six is a cultural behemoth exhausting itself of all the novel ideas it had left and changing the rules of its own reality to stay relevant. 
  • Season seven is a dwindling, past-its-prime show which still has a “comfort food” factor, a reliable (if overdone) story engine, and a few final tricks up its sleeve. 
  • Season eight is an overdue reaction to the times and a shockingly good reboot, as we understand the term today. 
  • Season nine is yet another jarring retooling that’s done in by timing, context, and execution. 
  • The second movie (I Want To Believe), like season nine, is a jumbled and disliked attempt to continue the themes of the show in a new cultural environment, though I appreciate how unusual it is.
  • Season ten is a blast from the past – a back-to-basics semi-retcon, with its main issues being an even larger gulf in time and society, too much creative control by an artistically spent showrunner, and a tiny episode order (though that might have been a blessing, considering how bad the writing was). 
  • Season eleven tries to shape up those previous issues and, while still tired and irrelevant, finally ends the series on a fitting, pleasant note. 

When you break it down like that, few other programs in history have this kind of longevity and range. Rolling with the punches of critical reaction, cultural change, and production challenges is a tough job, and few writers’ rooms have pulled it off to the extent that XF often did (if not always). After the initial five season plan ballooned to more renewals, I count two good reboots, two bad reboots, and one season of neutral coasting, overall breaking even in terms of quality. If I were to rank the show’s seasons, I would go easier than on the individual entries, for a couple reasons. A few bad apples could easily sink a year’s metrics, and I find it’s better to accentuate all the positives. Some seasons have more episodes I’ve skipped than others, and a couple are very short, so that throws off my statistics too. Therefore, assuming an optimal viewing experience, and disregarding things beneath a certain level of competence, here is my personal hierarchy. (All ties slightly favor the first one.)

4 & 3 > 6 & 8 > 2 & 5 > 7 & 1 > 11 >> 9 & 10

Though the first eight years are all absolutely worthwhile and the gaps between them are slight, I would characterize those tiers as such: essential artworks, classics of their era, great but flawed entertainment, solidly above-average genre TV, mediocre yet acceptable background watching material, and decidedly awful with a couple exceptions. For perspective, I sometimes consider what the X-Files would look like if someone streamlined and standardized it to resemble the pace and uniform consistency of a modern show, with an average of eleven seasonal increments of twenty episodes each. Reorganizing it to follow this gradation, from peak to decline, it would begin with three incredible seasons, then three excellent yet imperfect ones (with the whacko reboot stuff somewhere in there), followed by three okay-to-mediocre years consisting of interesting failed experiments, adequate repetition, and filler episodes, and finally two mediocre-to-terrible seasons featuring some remarkably bad television. That reframing puts its rather impressive hit rate in a new light.

ZERO SUM

Now it’s time for the inevitable list you’ve all been waiting for, my X-Files episode ranking. First, a rough overview of the grades: A+ episodes are masterclass television, the best of the medium, recommended as highly as possible. I also heartily endorse A episodes, undeniable classics with no real missteps. For anyone interested in sci-fi, thrillers or horror, A- episodes are excellent as well. They might be a little sloppier, cornier, or slower, but these would be the peaks of any lesser show. 

B+ episodes start to reveal some issues in writing and execution, perhaps getting redundant or tedious in parts, but I would urge people to stick with them. There’s brilliant stuff in there, even if it isn’t fully realized, and they round out the show very nicely. Not to be glossed over, but not highly polished either. B episodes are just okay, with no outstanding concerns but nothing touching greatness. In fact, the higher ones might be perfectly fine yet unmemorable entries. Programs of this era were able to knock out such acceptable filler episodes in their sleep, and XF is no different. Other B entries are admirable but failed experiments. If you insist on skipping one that’s not doing anything for you, you’d still be able to follow and appreciate the series, but c’mon, these are fun! The weird sprawl of the B-range grades is what makes the show so fascinating and robust. If you’re wondering what not to watch, my dividing line is B episodes, if you must, and definitely anything below that. 

Speaking of which, B- episodes toe the line of being unremarkably bad or frustrating to watch. We’re starting to get into the weeds, where the stories are more interesting in theory than in reality. For a true obsessive and completist, you could do far worse, and some are amusingly campy. To the dedicated viewer, they can even be instructive or unique in their failures. For fans only, but if you’ve made it this far, it may be worth checking out a handful to fill in some gaps and make up your own mind. After this, the ratings take a real nosedive. Avoid the rest at all costs, or just read synopses on the wiki if you have to.

C+ episodes are relative failures, with barely any redeeming moments. These are for die hards only. C episodes continue that trend, with all the awfulness blending into mush, and so on. I’m never aiming to watch total garbage on purpose, but I’m sure there’s plenty of it in the remainder I haven’t seen here. The D and F episodes I had the misfortune of watching attain the honor of being actually harmful to culture. 

Compared to my season tier list above, I went much harder on individual episode grades to provide a more honest and succinct guide for new viewers. I will post a separate chronological binge companion later, detailing what to seek out and what to skip in a linear way. With these barometers in mind, the X-Files has at least 120 hours of quality TV awaiting you. I hope all this rambling convinces some people to check it out, and that these guides keep those folks from running into the crappy parts. 

Finally, here’s the shorthand I used for my list. Bold episodes are alien mythology installments, some denoted as such by the creators for relevant character continuity. The pound symbol signifies the two Darin Morgan episodes of Millennium, which I grandfathered in here and which I strongly recommend to viewers of this show. The plus sign marks the movies, and underlined entries are the best episodes of their respective year. I really wish I could color code each one by season like in my master list, but WordPress’ formatting makes that impossible.

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